Not the parent I used to be...

Seriously, I know this sounds like I'm looking for a pity party but I'm not...it's just the way the cookie crumbles in my life as it stands now.

So many things have changed over the past 2 years. In the past two years we have been through so much...and some days I just can't wrap my head around how my life has changed...and I really don't think it's for the better.

I can't say I will ever return to be the parent or person I used to be. I hope someday I will find a new normal, find a new me? Find a way to move on without it seeming like there's reminders and triggers everywhere.

I not only have been slacking at keeping my blogs updated but I've been slacking at life. It's a real struggle to get up in the morning, yet I do it. I may not shower or get dressed even (at this point, I think I've been in my PJ's since Wednesday (and it's Friday)). -- and you know what? I really don't care. I doubt anyone else does either. It's not like I've seen anyone or had any desire to see anyone.

I cook meals, sometimes I even plan them but I can't say they are healthy balanced meals. You know what? I don't really care...my kids have food in their bellies and that's all that really matters right now. I'm not totally neglecting them. Somedays I wonder...but I know they are clean, loved and fed. That's all a child needs right? If only I felt like I was doing my best...But there are days I just can't do anything, no less my best....

Hey there's clean clothes in their drawers. I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes, yet I see the smiles on their faces as they watch videos. Yes I've reduced my kids to watching movies..so what? It's better than them sitting and looking at me and seeing the sadness I seem to carry within me and sometimes can't control that it comes out.

Now back to the title of this post...not the parent I used to be...I am no longer the advocate I was for Harley. Yes, I want to keep him home as long as possible...I make sure he has his meds and his care...but at this point I feel like I am more his "staff' than his parent. He truly doesn't understand anything emotional -- most of the time. He's not as physically aggressive as he used to be, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. But he also spends more time alone. Some parts of me says that's pretty typical for a 15 year old boy...but at the same time I know that for the past 8 years he's been plateaued - for the most part - at a 5 year old functioning level. It's not looking as though he will progress beyond that. It's hard because he is now my 'oldest' (living) son - in body only - as he will always be a child in mind.  It's a daily struggle within myself to draw a line with him...I could tell him how much I love him and he will ignore it like I never said anything. Some days that's really hard to take.

Not the parent I used to be...to Kelly either...She hates me now. This was evident in some of the statements she made at the sentencing of the driver who killed Robert. Never again will she trust me, because in a time of weakness I said things I should not have. I can only hope that some day she can see and feel that I too was hurting and had no where and no one...and all I wanted was to hold HER...she is the closest thing I have to Robert now and she just pushed me away and blamed me for Robert's death. Me and Harley. That I will take to my death bed...I hope that before I die she comes around and tries to understand how much I was hurting as well...without turning it around on me and telling me I am only trying to guilt trip her or be an attention seeker.I am so afraid of dying knowing my daughter, my only daughter, hates me and blames me for taking her most prized relationship in her life...

Not the parent I used to be -- or should be -- to Tyler. He is now in first grade. He is such a smart little man and I am so proud of him, but I don't think I say it or show it often enough. I try, I really do...as he grows there are more and more things I see as him having in common with Robert at this age. I know that no two children are exactly alike...and I thank Robert for teaching me different ways to deal with it by being my first born child. I promise Robert, I will NOT make the same mistakes with Tyler as I did with you....I'm sorry I even made those mistakes with you...But I didn't know...I didn't know how to deal with it nor did I understand. But after having had the opportunity to be your parent and learn through you and our experiences together, I know that there are better ways to deal with things. I appreciate that Robert visits Tyler most often (at least Tyler says he dreams of you and you visit him in dreams). I need to get over my fears and be the parent he deserves...the parent I should have been or been able to be to Robert. It's just not fair that I didn't get full time with Robert at this age...looking at Tyler I see how much I missed out on. That alone should motivate me to say "Hey I don't want to miss out on this with Tyler too"...but some days the motivation just isn't there...it's hard to be a parent and be human too.

Not the parent I used to be -- or need to be -- for Zachary. Zachary's probably the toughest. He's the baby of the family...he's only got one more year and he's in school full time. Why am I looking forward to that when I should be enjoying the time I *do* have with him? Yes, I spend time with him, but I can't say most of it is quality time. It's so hard to hear him speak...when we know for the first two years of his life he couldn't  hear...and how proud Robert was of his little voice once he was able to start speaking (once he was able to hear)...every time I hear Zac speak it's like a knife in my heart because I know Robert would be tickled and smiling and loving every single little syllable that comes out of his mouth. I try to look past that and say "hey he's talking and I need to listen"...which I *do* listen, but it's hard when it's always followed by Robert's voice mimicking him. Geeze, it's hard to believe that in just under 2 months Zac will be five years old!! He's not even trying to potty train...and yes, I push him, just not hard enough...and that too is part of Robert -- not that I am trying to turn everything into about Robert (no matter what Kelly thinks) but there are so many memories of him...he was a late potty trainer too and I know that pushing him just made it harder for him...and increased his anxiety. I don't want to do that to Zac...It's so hard to differientiate the right way to handle this...because no matter what I do brings memories -- both good and bad.

I hope that some day I can be a better person, a better parent -- I know I will always be a grieving parent -- but I hope some day it subsides so that I can function as a human again.

This has turned into a much longer blog post than I intended, but a wise friend suggested that I should continue blogging as it may just help.

And so this is my heart, my mind, my diary...open to the public. I hope that someday I can come back and read it and see that the despair has cleared some and I have found my "new" normal and my "new" self...even with the title of grieving parent.

Tyler, Zac and I did some Halloween arts & crafts the Friday before Halloween

Tyler, Zac, Kelly and I made some "dirt cups" for Halloween.

Kelly, Zac and Tyler enjoyed some rides at Heritage Square when we went for our Family Fall Outing at the 3d Maze

I took the kids (teens, Harley and the little ones) to the mall for some Trick or Treating on Halloween afternoon. They opened a new play area there and I think they all enjoyed that more than the trick or treating.

Halloween 2010 pictures

...more school and stuff

Harley's been excelling at school this year. He does really well with his new one on one aide...Today they were able to get the staff at CP over to the school to give his aide some training on how to deal with Harley when he gets frustrated, and they even put Harley into a couple of situations where last year, he was very frustrated, but he had a great day. He didn't even sleep at school today!! WTG Harley!!

Of course, now that he's doing better at school behaviorally he's been having more behaviors at home and CP...but those are good places to have behaviors...much better than at school.

We are already discussing options for next year (gulp!! Freshman in High School?!). I am concerned that he will not be able to handle the 'block' schedule at our 'neighborhood' school. They have just this year started a Challenge program there, so I figure sometime between now and Halloween I will start to contact them to see how it's going and what a typical day looks like. With all the budget cuts and funding issues it's not clear if we will be able to get Harley at 1:1 for next year. The staff at his current school has already started the paperwork and asked that we get ARC involved in case it gets denied. His placement for next year will hinge on his support for next year. I do not believe (nor does his current school officials feel) that Harley would be successful at our neighborhood school unless he has 1:1 -- so if the 1:1 is denied whether it be because of funding issues or his being "not bad enough" -- will guide our decision in which school he will attend in the LRE and FAPE guidelines.

Yea, I've been busy...school meetings, guiding Robert, getting ready for Kelly's 17th birthday party (and of course her driving experience as well!)...Andrew's work schedule is just as screwy as it's always been.

The end of this month we will see where Zachary stands in his speech delays. He's been doing amazing as well and may not need extensive EI support...maybe just two sessions of speech therapy a month?

The first of October Tyler will start attending school again too...his last year of preschool...it was so sweet to see his face light up when I told him that next year he will be in Kindergarten!! He's growing up so darned fast...I just know he's gonna be a learner and a leader!!

That's the most I have for an update this week. Hope since I can't seem to come and update as much as I would like (please friend me on FB as most of my news goes there now)...that I can at least stop by once a week...we'll see how that goal gets met I suppose!?

Over the last two weeks a friend and her children were supposed to move in because they were going to be homeless. Thanks to getting input from some friends I trust very much I was able to look at the situation and realize she was conning us and there was just no way we'd ever get her out of our house...not only that but after discussing it further with her she had no intention of paying a dime towards the bills that would increase as a result of adding 4 people to our household...I just couldn't have that. I may have lost someone I *thought* was a friend...but I don't think she was ever truly our friend anyhow...and either way, whether she moved in or not it would have ended badly...so may as well get it over with now right?

The good news in all that though is that a room got finished in our basement. Another section of our deck got done as well so now we have an additional 'terrace' on our deck to help with the mud pit where grass will never ever grow :D At this point it's looking like, hopefully by this time next year, each child will have his/her own room. That would be sweet. I may change the 'sitting area' in the basement into some sort of crafting area for scrapbookking and/or sewing...but unfortunately I can't keep anything like a sewing machine in Harley's sight so I don't know if that would work anyhow...we will just have to see how things pan out as we rearrange the family dynamics, room wise.

Most of you following along also know we have been struggling with secondary infertility for nearly 3 years now. I have finally let go of that and we will no longer be trying to add to our family. I am happy with the children I have and there has to be other plans for us...I am just too old to consider bringing another child into this world...especially with so many 'parentless' children out there. Again, something we are looking at for the long term so I won't even bother going into too much detail but as most of you know, we have always been interesting in trying to become a foster or host home...we will see how life progresses in the next few years...

I see there actually have been people visiting this blog so it just might be worth it to keep this blog going....I was thinking of letting it die down and eventually just shutting it down. I know I am not the most talented writer and it's probably somewhat boring but it's still a record to go back and read to remind me of what our challenges and joys were and are over the years.

Now to find an old pic ... Tomorrow IS Thursday....LOL

First week of school is done and over

Harley had a successful week. Only twice a note came home saying he was trying to sleep at school...once he had fallen asleep on the bus (what's strange is that morning he was wide awake getting ready for school!).

They are still in the reviewing stages of work from last year. I am braced for behaviors once they start challenging him, but who knows? Maybe he will surprise me?

We went right back into the 'school year' routine...therapies after school with Creative Perspectives and in-home therapies on the days he doesn't have CP (and Wednesday).

We had our family therapy session with Mike this past week. Only Andrew, the littles and I attended. We discussed how Tyler is beginning to mimic Harley's behaviors more and more and becoming increasingly aggressive. Mike warned us this will most likely get worse before it gets better. Right now Harley & Tyler are at about the same functioning level emotionally and socially - as I've mentioned before Harley's pretty much plateaued at a 4 to 5 year old level on an emotional/social level. He's been at this level for a while, so I have a feeling this is the highest he'll get.

I was discussing his recertification with his in home OT this week. I was asking if she felt he had a short-term memory loss. At first she said no...but as we discussed it she feels that if it's a auditory reminder or request, then yes, he has a memory deficit...So I'm not sure how we are supposed to list that on his recertification - since we are only supposed to list yes or no?

We are starting a 'new' behavior training program here at home for Harley where he earns 'tick marks' for preferred/compliant behaviors and loses them for unpreferred/aggression/non-compliant behavior. It's been working pretty well since Thursday morning...he earns time on my laptop...which really kind of sucks since he plays and navigates the web in such a way it slows my computer down and I am afraid he will click on the wrong thing and get through my virus software:O He's already crashed the computer that DDRC gave him a couple of years back. Hopefully we can figure something else out soon so he has a different computer other than my laptop to use for his reward.

Kelly's first week of school went well...she did her homework, I didn't get any calls that she missed any classes. I think this year will go much better as now we have BIG leverage. She's turning 17 in about 4 weeks and expects to get her drivers license. She's been reminded all summer that she will NOT be getting her license on her 17th birthday because first she needs to prove to me that she can be responsible enough to attend her classes and keep her grades up...besides she doesn't have a vehicle she can drive to/from school, friends around, etc. Right now we are down to one vehicle (my newer van) and I cannot be home without a vehicle more than I already am--besides Andrew needs it to go to work.

Robert's been a challenge. He's been slightly (ok, more than slightly) depressed that he no longer gets to go to school. We DID warn him of this...he's been on a job search but with the economy the way it is it's gonna be a hard, long road and his frustration levels are not the best when it comes to waiting. Voc Rehab is working with him in the hopes that they can find him a placement with the additional supports and accommodations he will need to be successful with his disabilities. His therapist and psychiatrist are still suggesting we apply for SSI disability benefits for him, but I really don't want to give him an easy out to never work...which is the way he will see it if he can sit at home and collect money to be disabled, he would have no desire nor drive to attempt to find work or even volunteer opportunities.

Tyler's new school year has yet to start. He's going to be a 'senior' in preschool this year. They have changed the location of his schooling this year and he will have all new classmates. He usually excels in his school work, I'm just concerned about his behaviors.

Zachary continues to improve on his speech and may or may not qualify for Early Intervention services...it's a tough call at this point according to his speech therapist. He will be evaluated by DDRC in October or November and depending on how he does at that meeting will determine if he begins school in January of 2011 or if he will need to wait and start in September.

We were able to help one family with school supplies this year. No others came forward for help (at least not that I saw). The moderator at the local freecycle started her own private group for helping people and I think she's been denying any requests for that kind of help and referring them to her other group. It's sad because she's made it difficult for people to 'join' her other group if she has a personality conflict with them...so that's really reduced the number of people I can help.

I have a friend who has been struggling putting food on her table and am trying to help her out...but many times she won't take the help. I feel so badly for her and her family. I do not have a LOT of money and cannot help her out with a whole week's full of groceries at a time, but I try to send little things over as I hear she's in need. I wish there was more I could do to help her but I also understand her need to try to find other ways to provide for the needs of herself and her family.

There's many other things I've been working on over the past few weeks and really really want to start updating my blog more often so that I don't have such long posts in the future. I'll try to post more updates on the goings on in our lives in the coming days, but I think I've given everyone a pretty good picture on the things we've been working on this past week.

What's better than taking the kids to the park?

Taking ALL five kids (plus one!) to TWO parks!!

Kelly's always saying "Tyler's MINE!"
Harley!
Robert....He really enjoys having younger siblings so HE can enjoy the playground equipment...even though he's too big for it!
BOO!
Kelly & Troy with Zachary

A "baby swing" that fits Robert!
My smallest sweetheart!
my younger gymnast!

A rare pic of all five together!

Zachary talking!!

It's hard to get video of Zac and his little voice...every time he sees the camera he stops talking....BUT when the rain started pouring and the thunder booming, he started telling me how "I hear thunder!"....Enjoy this short video!

Memorial Day Weekend 2010

Our goal to visit different parks didn't end just because it was a holiday!
We went to Belleview Park (and Cornerstone Park) and played in the water fountains, the sandbox, the playground, visited the petting zoo and rode the Lions Train....















We also went to the "hat Park" which runs alongside a fork of Little Bear Creek. We couldn't keep Harley outta the river...very dangerous with the water being so high and fast moving...and COLD from being snow melt coming off the mountains






We got there through the "nature park"...which is an area of open space that has 5 retaining ponds for the water run off from Fort Logan National Cemetery

Walking up the trail:

Harley crossing one of the 'waterfalls' in one of the ponds


Kelly, Tyler, Zachary and Daddy crossing

Summer Goals....

I have made a goal of getting the boys to a different park each day -- or at least to A park every day....We started the day after Tyler finished school....

We went to Littleton History Museum with Becca, Carolyn and Tricia. It's a 1860s and 1890s working farm with animals, crops, farm equipment, schoolhouse, house from each era (and wow what a difference 30 years made!) and a blacksmith...

Hey All!!

I have finally gotten pictures uploaded for the past two weeks. We have been so busy..as typical in the month of May.

For those who know of the struggles we've had in our lives over the past two and a half years, you will be happy to know that I have been so busy enjoying life, enjoying my boys and overcoming the sadness of the recurrent miscarriages we've suffered -- and that is why my blog has been so neglected. I am hoping to be able to get onto and into it more and update more often so come back soon! I sure do miss the ladies I used to talk to on LF BBC, the Angels boards and the December 07 Stocking Stuffers...hopefully some of them feel they have a "vested friendship" with me and continue to visit here occasionally to keep up with what all's been going on.

We are entering new experiences (and challenges) in our lives in the next 12 months or less...with Robert being an "official" adult in that he is no longer in high school and now we must guide him on how to become a 'real man of the working world'....Kelly preparing for her junior year of high school (and us tightening the reins so that she WILL graduate in 2012 like she's supposed to!)....Harley going into transition services with the dawning of the age of 14...Tyler preparing for another year of preschool...with all new classmates since everyone else is 'graduating' into Kindergarten this year...and Zachary...hopefully...yes hopefully....growing and learning how to use the potty as he nears his third birthday...In December I will undergo an MRI to ensure that the tumor has not grown back and I will get a clean bill of health...and maybe by some miracle, we will be chosen as an Extreme Makeover Home Edition family....yes, it promises to be an even more exciting year in the next 12 months than the past 12 have been. And who knows, maybe we will add to our family in this coming year as well...whether it be a cat, dog, bird or baby...

I hope you choose to follow our journey...and occasionally leave me a note so that I know that people are reading here....feel free to leave an anonymous comment (that way you don't have to have a gmail account) -- but PLEASE be sure to sign your comment. There is a link to email me privately and you can always reach me at facebook as well.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy your visits via peeking into the windows of our lives through the words of this blog.

So many things going on...Pics to follow

Most importantly, Monday was Tyler's 4th Birthday...of course I'll get those pictures uploaded. I'm pretty damned proud of the cake I whipped together (a 3d Monster truck).

We are hosting a big party on Saturday...It will be Tyler's birthday, Harley's birthday (he turns 13 on Monday! yes, already!) and Robert's graduation (he graduates on the 21st)...So we are trying to get our deck built before then. It may not be completely done by then...we are using 'reclaimed' materials...so we need to scrape some parts, sand and put filler in a few spots (according to Andrew) and then repaint it...but as long as it's usable (doesn't need to be pretty yet right?!) by Saturday, I'll be happy....

Harley started with a new in-home OT a couple of weeks ago...one of the first things he did was check her (finger) nails and ask her if she was going to grab him and hurt him like Holly did...then I had to explain what happened with the past OT in December.

We also got word that Harley's aide is considered a 'building support' aide and will not be assigned directly to him only for next school year. Lots of paperwork and phone calls involved, but we are working on trying to get him an aide that is assigned directly to him for next year (and high school, which is an even bigger challenge).

Zac and Tyler and Harley have all been sick...they appear to be over the worst of it, but Tyler still has an awful cough holding on...

I can't believe there's only 3 weeks of school left (for Tyler, Harley and Kelly - Robert's last day of school is on the 2oth, so he has only 6 days of school left! YIPES!). Harley's all registered for summer camp already (has been since February) so we are well on the road to starting summer vacation....

Oh and Patti is insisting on putting us in for Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I guess we will go ahead (actually we already did) the paperwork to get it submitted. Just gotta find someone to do the video now. I doubt we'll get picked, especially with the work we've gotten done around the house ourselves but I guess it never hurts to try?!

More pictures - Easter 2010

The Egg Hunt!
(this one is first because it's one of my favs!)