Memories, cycles and more TMI....:)

Well, Andi's EDD is only 4 days away...I still have those moments where I break down into tears thinking I should be holding my sweet little baby girl in my arms and celebrating her arrival...add the sadness that even though I've gotten 3 bfps since her demise, I still am not successfully pregnant...

I think I figured out some things about this cycle and that is making it easier to be 'at ease' with AF's immiment arrival (spotting started today right about on schedule)...at least it seems to be on schedule with the adjustments I figured out. Besides with the adjustments our timing wasn't right nor did I take the progesterone at the right time in the cycle.

I did some research (of course) and found a study where 77% of the ladies undergoing "progesterone treatment" after recurrent miscarriages and/or unexplained infertility were pregnant within six months. I will hold onto that as a positive thought, hey, I still have five months left. If we are not successfully pregnant by April we will stop trying so actively but will not opt for any birth control (what's the sense anyhow right?)...So IF I'm not pregnant by April...Maybe, just maybe I'll get a 'surprise, change-of-life baby!"? I'm still hoping that I'll be in the 77% that went on to have successful pregnancies within the six months though...

And Hey If I get pregnant next cycle, Kelly may have a sister who shares her birthday?! And if not then, then I'll have a Halloween baby, and if not then, I'll have a Thanksgiving baby, and if not then a Christmas baby...and if not then a (my 41st) birthday gift...and if not then a Valentine's Day baby...I could go on finding good reasons -- or is it seasons :) -- for the next month too!

Falling apart...

14dpo, AF is 3 days later than typical (but that's probably the progesterone)...Temps still up? DH sees a line, but I don't and neither does the camera...(sigh) ... Frustrated...falling apart...No more words...

I'll be right back to post some more of the pics from this weekend...

Two years ago today

I'll warn you now, this is not a happy post -- and it may be TMI for some...

It was two years ago today, almost this very moment that I woke up to bleeding...I was 7w5d pregnant. I decided to just keep an eye on it...I had been planning to call and make my first prenatal visit today knowing that they don't typically see you till you are about 10 weeks along.

As soon as the doctor's office opened, I called and told them what was happening. They told me to come in and they would take a look. We arrived and they did an ultrasound...as we watched the screen, there was the baby's heartbeat...then it was gone!! I watched as my baby's heart stopped beating...

I never once, after 4 healthy pregnancies, thought this would happen to me. I fell apart when I saw him remove the 'wand' covered in blood. I was sent home with instructions that if I had started to hemorrage to go to ER immediately.

By 4pm that day the bleeding was so awful I finally did go in to the ER...Harley's therapist drove me there since Andrew had to work and didn't want to be late for his client. They checked me in right away and I asked if there was somewhere I could go, because in just a half an hour I had not only soaked through my pad but the blood was running down my legs...They put me on a gurney in the hallway and said they'd be back to me....

finally...at 10pm they came to get me..yes 6 hours of sitting on the gurney in the hallway (well, clsoer to five)...I sat there and cried and cried for all that time...They got me into the room where the D&C machine was located and told me to undress from the waist down...as I was undressing I found my baby's remains in my underwear and I just fell on the floor crying. I picked up the phone to call Andrew and he said he would be by to pick me up after his client at about 1:30 AM. They had to give me a rhogam shot so I had to wait for that, I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital!!

They finally let me go and I walked to the 7-11 and got a cup of hot coffee (it was really cold outside) and then sat outside to wait for Andrew....

For the next few weeks, I couldn't function. Finally two days before Christmas I managed to go out and get some shopping done for the kids. If it wasn't for the wonderful ladies of the December 2006 Angels board, I probably would've lost my mind. They were all so supportive even though some of them were much further along than I when they lost their babies...some of them lost their first baby...I cannot imagine the pain they have endured through these last two years.

I don't know why, but this year is harder than last year...maybe it was the anticipation of Zachary's arrival that helped me get through this anniversary last year? This year I should be experiencing that same thing since Andi was due on the 14th of December...and I just feel awful...Can't stop crying...The pain feels so fresh...

10 dpo and....

BFN! :( I know it's still early... (click here for my chart). I just don't feel it this month anyway so I'm trying to brace myself for AF's arrival in the next 2 days... I thought the progesterone in the form I'm using it was supposed to have less side effects, but I sure am having plenty...I hate when my body plays games on my mind and makes me think that these could be pregnancy symptoms...

Boys are still sick so I haven't had time to go out and do any more birthday or Christmas shopping and all of this is just getting me down....So if you don't hear from me on any particular board (Jess!) Don't stress ok? Just trying to keep my downer mood off the boards OK?

The silliest things

set me off I guess...I was watching the news (and commercials) at 5:30 this morning and a commercial came on that showed an ultrasound of a beautiful baby, then it pans to the house being remodeled while mom is rubbing her baby bump...Then ends with a nice shot of daddy holding mommy's bump...It brought me to tears...stupid? I don't know...I should be delivering a baby this week--my beautiful baby Andi ... instead I sit here in the two week wait having imaginary symptoms *sigh*

Today I am at peace

It seems so foreign to me to feel at peace, maybe I am numb? I know there is no hope for this baby I still have not passed, but I know there is one waiting for me and I will be back to my crazy TTC game once AF is here and gone (I sure wish she would hurry though)....

I am convinced (I know some of you disagree) that the progesterone is a HUGE issue in my keeping babies. Thanks to the ladies on my TTC for Older Mommas for helping to guide me on where I can purchase it online if I can't find a doctor who believes it will help sustain a pregnancy.

I think that is what is helping me feel at peace, I truly feel that this pregnancy gave me the answer to why I have been having so many chemical pregnancies--And Andrew agrees as well.

So ... on to next month ... oh and guess what? (see next post)

betas are in

4....not much else to say

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. If I can't sleep I will be back to update on the rest of the stuff I've learned and our plan for next cycle.

I say this in follow up to this post (which I made just yesterday morning)....

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be momof6?

Yet another update from another dr's office....

I can't get any of the drs to cooperate and do the testing needed to prove it's a progesterone issue... they go on and on about how it's not proven in my case...well of course, if you REFUSE to do the bloodwork, how will you ever get proof...

Then they go on to say...well you've had five successful pregnancies before and it's not been an issue, so we do not believe it is one this time..well, do the b/w to rule it out...still the answer is NO!?

I jut got off the phone with yet another nurse at yet another medical office with Kaiser (my insurance)...and she says maybe the b/w was a false + b/c I had them do betas back on the 31st before I started the provera and those were neg...but five days later it was +....

She said she will talk to the providers there for their take on it, but there are no open appts today and since it's so early they probably won't do anything anyway. She wants me to get the betas done today too, then more on Wednesday and DPENEDING on those results I can come in and talk to a dr...

WHY WON'T ANY OF THEM TRY TO SAVE MY BABY NOW????????? Why are they making me go trhough all this and all the "I don't believe you crud?"....It just makes it hurt more...

I am waiting on Andrew to get home to watch the boys so I can go and get my betas drawn. Hopefully I will have the results by 2:00 today....not that it will help me any since NO ONE will see me until Thursday....

I am devastated!!! -- Again and still....

Update....

I just got off the phone with the doctor's office. They want me to go ahead and do the betas today (and until they reach less than 2)...I have an appt on Thursday with a new OB there, but the nurse I spoke to doesn't think "any of the providers in that office believe that progesterone supplementation helps to sustain a pregnancy". They REFUSE to do a Progesterone test....

The stupid nurse asked ... "is it possible it was a false positive?"...well first off, 21 tests that came back bfp ?? not only that but if it was a false positive would their bloodwork have shown a BFP? "DUH" Oh yeah she says....

In the meantime, I took a provera at midnight and another at 6 am hoping that maybe I can save my baby...I know stupid of me huh? I just can't stand the thought of losing this baby...I was just starting to think I could get attached to it...

I'll update later when I get my betas back....All I can do now is hope the provera helps the baby to reimplant and my betas start rising again....

I guess this time it IS my fault!!

I could've gone and gotten some progesterone cream, I could've asked for a second opinion sooner....and now....it's just too late! I hurt so badly!!! And I'm so angry-not only with my doctor but with myself!

Nooo, pleeeeeease, not again?!

well, about 10 this morning I noticed an abrupt end to most of my symptoms, except the having to pee all the time...well, as of this writing I no longer have ANY pregnancy symptoms at all...I don't understand how they could be so strong this morning and now....nothing....I am so scared...Now I don't even want to go for betas tomorrow...I don't know...I don't want to go on the roller coaster I went on with Andi's pregnancy...I just can't do that again...

Oh God -- and I feel so alone -- and so scared....I hope this isn't the end already...I mean there's been no spotting or bleeding -- just complete and abrupt end of all my symptoms--and a backache....

Oh please, please, please don't let this happen to me again?! In fact, I think I will go and pee on my very last stick right now and see if it's still bfp or if it's already bfn.....:(

ETA: just nearly bfn :((

Weird Cravings? Already?

I hope it's a sign that this baby's a keeper!!

Breakfast today? Eggs, toast, apple butter and peanut butter...on my eggs? Weird but GOOD!!

Darker, Lighter, the same?

I know I really need to stop worrying and just enjoy this pregnancy. It will be my last baby and I want to enjoy it to the fullest extent possible!! I hate that having a loss takes all the joy out of being pregnant...

Accepting Defeat

Yesterday marked five months since I lost my precious Andi. I am still empty. The doctor has given me a screwed up plan for taking progesterone that will probably force me to stop ovulating for a couple of months if not more. I have been having an internal struggle to decide if I want to accept his plan as it is prescribed or to take the progesterone 3 days after O is confirmed. I thought I had decided to take it the way I want to but then last night it hit me...if I take it the way I want to and I get pregnant (finally) as soon as I stop, most likely I would lose the baby. The doctor is only giving me a 24 day supply (two months of his suggested regimen).

Because I don't want to chance having another loss, I guess I will go about his plan and throw mine out the window. I've lost all hope that I will get pregnant again anyway, especially before I turn 40.

So I guess I'm taking a break from TTC by doing it the way the doctor has prescribed. It sucks that my last pregnancy rememberance will be of the one I lost instead of a happy, healthy pregnancy ending in holding a beautiful little baby...

Testing, Testing....or not....

Ain't gonna happen this month. I had a whopping 7 day long LP this time! Whoot whoot! (do you hear the sarcasm in my typing?)....I start progesterone supplements this cycle and we'll see if that helps lead to a sticky bfp....

On the ttc front...I am so confused...I'm only on cd 6 and already having O symptoms...(O pains, backache, CM, etc). Even did an OPK yesterday and it was nearly positive!?? I'll do another today...this is the last of my opks...I don't think I will bother ordering more.

This depression has just been getting worse and worse the last two weeks or so...which is upsetting Andrew a lot and we are arguing a lot because I just can't snap out of it on my own right now. Not very condusive to baby making...so I'm sure we'll miss the egg this time. I did go out and invest in some Vitex to try to get my cycle regulated instead of all this weird stuff going on (short cycle, long cycle, short luteal phase, long luteal phase, false bfps). And now I don't know what to call it other than cold feet??? I don't know if I should tell Andrew that the fertile signs are there...I'm beginning to think that he's only ttcing for me because of the loss of Andi and not truly because he wants Anthony...No matter what he says (yes, I've talked to him about it and he insists and gives his reasons, but still....).

OK, end of that story....

Temp's still up??

and no signs of AF?? Geeze I wish she would just show up already!!!!
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1e8225

Back from the doctor

Well, I ended up having more time between appts than I thought I would so here my update:

Let me start by saying they did draw blood for a maternal serum (not betas). They also did a urine test, which I knew would come back as negative. I won't have the results of the bloodwork till tomorrow. He said if it's negative and I still haven't started bleeding by Monday to repeat it. If it ends up I am pg, he will do an u/s in two weeks.

Now on to the rest of the appt: my OB doesn't "believe" in charting, so he wouldn't even look at my charts...He thinks that my LP is going longer this month simply b/c my body is regulating back to normal...His first suggestion was to go on bcp for six months to get my cycle regulated, then start up with trying again. I poo-pooed that idea.

His next suggestion was to wait 2 more months (the 6 month mark since my last loss) and if I'm not pg by then, to start taking progesterone supplements on cd1-12...the theory he gave me is that it would jump start my bleeding and I would not be ovulating at all during that time...It would in essence give me 12 day cycles. Then after FOUR months of that go off the progesterone and see if I can get pg on my own. If all that fails, he will begin the workup for early menopause :(

I must say I don't agree with using progesterone like that...I've heard of women taking it after they O for LP defects, but never have I heard of taking it to stop ovulating and start having 12 day long cycles...IDK what to do?

If the blood draw is still neg and I'm still not bleeding by Monday he would be willing to start me on the progesterone plan then.

So I guess no news....Just still waiting....This bites....

OK, I think that's the appt in a nutshell...I have one more $tree test, but the wind's been taken out of my sails and I just don't want to subject myself to this anymore....we'll know in the AM what the bloodwork says.

I just don't know, I'm thinking just keeping at ttc (if I'm not pg) 'au naturale' as I really don't know enough about the progesterone to take my chances with it messing up my cycles more...I'll just keep up with the B6 to improve my LP and hope that someday I'll get that all elusive bfp....

UPDATE: Bloodwork is IN early!!!!!!!!!!! NEGATIVE!! ??? DAMMMMMMMIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!

Can't wait for my appointment tomorrow

***PICTURES REMOVED***
Either my levels are still too low or something else is going on?

It was sooo upsetting to see those words this AM. The $tree and Answer tests are still looking like yesterday's...so it could be low levels?

I just don't get it...I'm now at 15dpo...no sign of AF coming and still no answers? I hope my OB can give me some insight tomorrow (I sure wish my appt was today!)