Saving ya a trip

No sense in having to go all the way to my chart to see that it's a bfn today....I thought for sure this was my month. I'm not in a good frame of mind so I'll probably break from blogging for a while...Or be real depressing one or the other right? Darn it!! I was sooo sure this would be it....

Now I can make the excuse that I had to get up a few times to go to the bathroom last night and maybe (probably, sure looked) like my sample was diluted...but really, do I need to keep making excuses for my bfns?

You know me...

I always see a faint line whether it's true or not I guess only time will tell...Go to my chart to see the pictures...link on the right side in my blog list.

Took a 2nd test this afternoon...chart updated with pics

ETA:
Well, must've been an evap line - darn it!! IT was taken within the 10 min time frame, but now looking at the test it's a bfn...I even went as far as taking the test apart to figure out where the heck it went...there may be a faint line left where it was, but it's not even dark enough to get a pic...so...We wait till tomorrow to see if I get another bfn or another evap line I guess?

A BFE

Big Fat Error...I am thinking of writing to Walmart and seeing if I can get a good box of HPTs for free...you think they would? This is one I had in the cabinet that I just wanted to share...Do you see the Error?


This is NOT the same test as in the above post, but wanted to show you this one...I wonder if the line on the test in the above post will turn into something like this. What's weird -- it's a test from a different box -- and even a different Walmart...but I guess it's always my luck to find the errors...I don't understand...I even went through and RE READ the directions just to make sure I was doing it right and maybe that's why I always get so many errors...I guess I'll just never know...maybe a test of my patience and strength?

Wow

I just noticed how many hits my blog has had today...I guess you're probably looking for test results...I have no tests in the house...I am feeling crampy and with missing the progesterone for a few doses this month, it wouldn't surprise me at all if AF shows tomorrow (right on my typical non-progesterone cycle)...I am getting really discouraged and frustrated!! I just want to cry...Why won't my body cooperate?

Let the 2ww commence!

Yup, again already...now, I NEED your support to NOT poas before 12dpo!! Come on...maybe if I wait I'll get a sticky, undeniable BFP?

I haven't looked up to see exactly what my EDD would be but sometime in October...So if I get a bfp, maybe Kelly can have a sister for her 16th birthday (since I always deliver early!)

I had a dream so vivid I could feel the 'love wand'...twins? This is the fourth time that either Andrew or I have had a dream about multiples in the past 3 months. I'd be happy with just one...please let me have just one?!

I won't be able to test for my birthday...it will be too early and really don't want to ruin my own birthday with a bfn...BUT I should be able to test for Robert's birthday!!

Keep everything crossed and remember...no POASing for another 11 days!!

You wanna see pics?

Of my test results for the past two days? Click here for my chart...the pics are there...Then PLEASE Come back and tell me what you think? Even if it's not what I want to hear???

Oh and for those of you who have been following my ttc journey and know how many faint / false positives I've had....here is what I have to say:

in my research about why I would get so many false positives on hpts I learned that false positives can be caused by cancers of the female reproductive organs and breast cancer...Well I just had a mammogram and breast ultrasound(s) a year ago (less than a year ago!) -- and a pap done after Zachary was born that came back clear --But does a pap smear pick up uterine cancer? I heard that's the #1 cause of false +'s...the other question...if that was the case wouldn't I always get a faint +? There are times when I have no faint + at all? Would uterine cancer (or something like it that causes false positives) only show up during the 2ww? I've POAsed mid cycle before and gotten bfns too?

I don't think my dr will do testing...they will just think I'm crazy if I keep calling saying I got another false positive...*sigh*

I bet I know why you're here...

If you're a chart stalker I'm sure you're visiting for test results? I have none to share right now...Yeah, I think my chart's looking pretty good too, BUT I am not going to let that get my hopes up...in fact it will probably end up meaning the opposite of what it's looking like :)

BUT Harley did make a prediction yesterday while we were at the lab waiting for his blood draw.

AND if no bfp and AF arrives on time, I should be testing in time for my birthday, but I was seriously considering taking next month off if no bfp this time so maybe that's just what I need (you know how SICK I am of people telling me to quit trying and it would happen?) Chances are if it did happen next month it wouldn't stick since I wouldn't be temping, which means I wouldn't be doing the progesterone...I hate to mess up my cycle by stopping that suddenly though so I'm not sure yet what I am going to do.

Since I actually managed to have OPKs left over from this cycle though, I'll probably end up with a bfp right? LOL I'm not holding my breath!

Memories, cycles and more TMI....:)

Well, Andi's EDD is only 4 days away...I still have those moments where I break down into tears thinking I should be holding my sweet little baby girl in my arms and celebrating her arrival...add the sadness that even though I've gotten 3 bfps since her demise, I still am not successfully pregnant...

I think I figured out some things about this cycle and that is making it easier to be 'at ease' with AF's immiment arrival (spotting started today right about on schedule)...at least it seems to be on schedule with the adjustments I figured out. Besides with the adjustments our timing wasn't right nor did I take the progesterone at the right time in the cycle.

I did some research (of course) and found a study where 77% of the ladies undergoing "progesterone treatment" after recurrent miscarriages and/or unexplained infertility were pregnant within six months. I will hold onto that as a positive thought, hey, I still have five months left. If we are not successfully pregnant by April we will stop trying so actively but will not opt for any birth control (what's the sense anyhow right?)...So IF I'm not pregnant by April...Maybe, just maybe I'll get a 'surprise, change-of-life baby!"? I'm still hoping that I'll be in the 77% that went on to have successful pregnancies within the six months though...

And Hey If I get pregnant next cycle, Kelly may have a sister who shares her birthday?! And if not then, then I'll have a Halloween baby, and if not then, I'll have a Thanksgiving baby, and if not then a Christmas baby...and if not then a (my 41st) birthday gift...and if not then a Valentine's Day baby...I could go on finding good reasons -- or is it seasons :) -- for the next month too!

Falling apart...

14dpo, AF is 3 days later than typical (but that's probably the progesterone)...Temps still up? DH sees a line, but I don't and neither does the camera...(sigh) ... Frustrated...falling apart...No more words...

I'll be right back to post some more of the pics from this weekend...

Two years ago today

I'll warn you now, this is not a happy post -- and it may be TMI for some...

It was two years ago today, almost this very moment that I woke up to bleeding...I was 7w5d pregnant. I decided to just keep an eye on it...I had been planning to call and make my first prenatal visit today knowing that they don't typically see you till you are about 10 weeks along.

As soon as the doctor's office opened, I called and told them what was happening. They told me to come in and they would take a look. We arrived and they did an ultrasound...as we watched the screen, there was the baby's heartbeat...then it was gone!! I watched as my baby's heart stopped beating...

I never once, after 4 healthy pregnancies, thought this would happen to me. I fell apart when I saw him remove the 'wand' covered in blood. I was sent home with instructions that if I had started to hemorrage to go to ER immediately.

By 4pm that day the bleeding was so awful I finally did go in to the ER...Harley's therapist drove me there since Andrew had to work and didn't want to be late for his client. They checked me in right away and I asked if there was somewhere I could go, because in just a half an hour I had not only soaked through my pad but the blood was running down my legs...They put me on a gurney in the hallway and said they'd be back to me....

finally...at 10pm they came to get me..yes 6 hours of sitting on the gurney in the hallway (well, clsoer to five)...I sat there and cried and cried for all that time...They got me into the room where the D&C machine was located and told me to undress from the waist down...as I was undressing I found my baby's remains in my underwear and I just fell on the floor crying. I picked up the phone to call Andrew and he said he would be by to pick me up after his client at about 1:30 AM. They had to give me a rhogam shot so I had to wait for that, I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital!!

They finally let me go and I walked to the 7-11 and got a cup of hot coffee (it was really cold outside) and then sat outside to wait for Andrew....

For the next few weeks, I couldn't function. Finally two days before Christmas I managed to go out and get some shopping done for the kids. If it wasn't for the wonderful ladies of the December 2006 Angels board, I probably would've lost my mind. They were all so supportive even though some of them were much further along than I when they lost their babies...some of them lost their first baby...I cannot imagine the pain they have endured through these last two years.

I don't know why, but this year is harder than last year...maybe it was the anticipation of Zachary's arrival that helped me get through this anniversary last year? This year I should be experiencing that same thing since Andi was due on the 14th of December...and I just feel awful...Can't stop crying...The pain feels so fresh...

10 dpo and....

BFN! :( I know it's still early... (click here for my chart). I just don't feel it this month anyway so I'm trying to brace myself for AF's arrival in the next 2 days... I thought the progesterone in the form I'm using it was supposed to have less side effects, but I sure am having plenty...I hate when my body plays games on my mind and makes me think that these could be pregnancy symptoms...

Boys are still sick so I haven't had time to go out and do any more birthday or Christmas shopping and all of this is just getting me down....So if you don't hear from me on any particular board (Jess!) Don't stress ok? Just trying to keep my downer mood off the boards OK?

The silliest things

set me off I guess...I was watching the news (and commercials) at 5:30 this morning and a commercial came on that showed an ultrasound of a beautiful baby, then it pans to the house being remodeled while mom is rubbing her baby bump...Then ends with a nice shot of daddy holding mommy's bump...It brought me to tears...stupid? I don't know...I should be delivering a baby this week--my beautiful baby Andi ... instead I sit here in the two week wait having imaginary symptoms *sigh*

Today I am at peace

It seems so foreign to me to feel at peace, maybe I am numb? I know there is no hope for this baby I still have not passed, but I know there is one waiting for me and I will be back to my crazy TTC game once AF is here and gone (I sure wish she would hurry though)....

I am convinced (I know some of you disagree) that the progesterone is a HUGE issue in my keeping babies. Thanks to the ladies on my TTC for Older Mommas for helping to guide me on where I can purchase it online if I can't find a doctor who believes it will help sustain a pregnancy.

I think that is what is helping me feel at peace, I truly feel that this pregnancy gave me the answer to why I have been having so many chemical pregnancies--And Andrew agrees as well.

So ... on to next month ... oh and guess what? (see next post)

betas are in

4....not much else to say

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. If I can't sleep I will be back to update on the rest of the stuff I've learned and our plan for next cycle.

I say this in follow up to this post (which I made just yesterday morning)....

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be momof6?

Yet another update from another dr's office....

I can't get any of the drs to cooperate and do the testing needed to prove it's a progesterone issue... they go on and on about how it's not proven in my case...well of course, if you REFUSE to do the bloodwork, how will you ever get proof...

Then they go on to say...well you've had five successful pregnancies before and it's not been an issue, so we do not believe it is one this time..well, do the b/w to rule it out...still the answer is NO!?

I jut got off the phone with yet another nurse at yet another medical office with Kaiser (my insurance)...and she says maybe the b/w was a false + b/c I had them do betas back on the 31st before I started the provera and those were neg...but five days later it was +....

She said she will talk to the providers there for their take on it, but there are no open appts today and since it's so early they probably won't do anything anyway. She wants me to get the betas done today too, then more on Wednesday and DPENEDING on those results I can come in and talk to a dr...

WHY WON'T ANY OF THEM TRY TO SAVE MY BABY NOW????????? Why are they making me go trhough all this and all the "I don't believe you crud?"....It just makes it hurt more...

I am waiting on Andrew to get home to watch the boys so I can go and get my betas drawn. Hopefully I will have the results by 2:00 today....not that it will help me any since NO ONE will see me until Thursday....

I am devastated!!! -- Again and still....

Update....

I just got off the phone with the doctor's office. They want me to go ahead and do the betas today (and until they reach less than 2)...I have an appt on Thursday with a new OB there, but the nurse I spoke to doesn't think "any of the providers in that office believe that progesterone supplementation helps to sustain a pregnancy". They REFUSE to do a Progesterone test....

The stupid nurse asked ... "is it possible it was a false positive?"...well first off, 21 tests that came back bfp ?? not only that but if it was a false positive would their bloodwork have shown a BFP? "DUH" Oh yeah she says....

In the meantime, I took a provera at midnight and another at 6 am hoping that maybe I can save my baby...I know stupid of me huh? I just can't stand the thought of losing this baby...I was just starting to think I could get attached to it...

I'll update later when I get my betas back....All I can do now is hope the provera helps the baby to reimplant and my betas start rising again....

I guess this time it IS my fault!!

I could've gone and gotten some progesterone cream, I could've asked for a second opinion sooner....and now....it's just too late! I hurt so badly!!! And I'm so angry-not only with my doctor but with myself!

Nooo, pleeeeeease, not again?!

well, about 10 this morning I noticed an abrupt end to most of my symptoms, except the having to pee all the time...well, as of this writing I no longer have ANY pregnancy symptoms at all...I don't understand how they could be so strong this morning and now....nothing....I am so scared...Now I don't even want to go for betas tomorrow...I don't know...I don't want to go on the roller coaster I went on with Andi's pregnancy...I just can't do that again...

Oh God -- and I feel so alone -- and so scared....I hope this isn't the end already...I mean there's been no spotting or bleeding -- just complete and abrupt end of all my symptoms--and a backache....

Oh please, please, please don't let this happen to me again?! In fact, I think I will go and pee on my very last stick right now and see if it's still bfp or if it's already bfn.....:(

ETA: just nearly bfn :((

Weird Cravings? Already?

I hope it's a sign that this baby's a keeper!!

Breakfast today? Eggs, toast, apple butter and peanut butter...on my eggs? Weird but GOOD!!