Not the parent I used to be...

Seriously, I know this sounds like I'm looking for a pity party but I'm not...it's just the way the cookie crumbles in my life as it stands now.

So many things have changed over the past 2 years. In the past two years we have been through so much...and some days I just can't wrap my head around how my life has changed...and I really don't think it's for the better.

I can't say I will ever return to be the parent or person I used to be. I hope someday I will find a new normal, find a new me? Find a way to move on without it seeming like there's reminders and triggers everywhere.

I not only have been slacking at keeping my blogs updated but I've been slacking at life. It's a real struggle to get up in the morning, yet I do it. I may not shower or get dressed even (at this point, I think I've been in my PJ's since Wednesday (and it's Friday)). -- and you know what? I really don't care. I doubt anyone else does either. It's not like I've seen anyone or had any desire to see anyone.

I cook meals, sometimes I even plan them but I can't say they are healthy balanced meals. You know what? I don't really care...my kids have food in their bellies and that's all that really matters right now. I'm not totally neglecting them. Somedays I wonder...but I know they are clean, loved and fed. That's all a child needs right? If only I felt like I was doing my best...But there are days I just can't do anything, no less my best....

Hey there's clean clothes in their drawers. I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes, yet I see the smiles on their faces as they watch videos. Yes I've reduced my kids to watching movies..so what? It's better than them sitting and looking at me and seeing the sadness I seem to carry within me and sometimes can't control that it comes out.

Now back to the title of this post...not the parent I used to be...I am no longer the advocate I was for Harley. Yes, I want to keep him home as long as possible...I make sure he has his meds and his care...but at this point I feel like I am more his "staff' than his parent. He truly doesn't understand anything emotional -- most of the time. He's not as physically aggressive as he used to be, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. But he also spends more time alone. Some parts of me says that's pretty typical for a 15 year old boy...but at the same time I know that for the past 8 years he's been plateaued - for the most part - at a 5 year old functioning level. It's not looking as though he will progress beyond that. It's hard because he is now my 'oldest' (living) son - in body only - as he will always be a child in mind.  It's a daily struggle within myself to draw a line with him...I could tell him how much I love him and he will ignore it like I never said anything. Some days that's really hard to take.

Not the parent I used to be...to Kelly either...She hates me now. This was evident in some of the statements she made at the sentencing of the driver who killed Robert. Never again will she trust me, because in a time of weakness I said things I should not have. I can only hope that some day she can see and feel that I too was hurting and had no where and no one...and all I wanted was to hold HER...she is the closest thing I have to Robert now and she just pushed me away and blamed me for Robert's death. Me and Harley. That I will take to my death bed...I hope that before I die she comes around and tries to understand how much I was hurting as well...without turning it around on me and telling me I am only trying to guilt trip her or be an attention seeker.I am so afraid of dying knowing my daughter, my only daughter, hates me and blames me for taking her most prized relationship in her life...

Not the parent I used to be -- or should be -- to Tyler. He is now in first grade. He is such a smart little man and I am so proud of him, but I don't think I say it or show it often enough. I try, I really do...as he grows there are more and more things I see as him having in common with Robert at this age. I know that no two children are exactly alike...and I thank Robert for teaching me different ways to deal with it by being my first born child. I promise Robert, I will NOT make the same mistakes with Tyler as I did with you....I'm sorry I even made those mistakes with you...But I didn't know...I didn't know how to deal with it nor did I understand. But after having had the opportunity to be your parent and learn through you and our experiences together, I know that there are better ways to deal with things. I appreciate that Robert visits Tyler most often (at least Tyler says he dreams of you and you visit him in dreams). I need to get over my fears and be the parent he deserves...the parent I should have been or been able to be to Robert. It's just not fair that I didn't get full time with Robert at this age...looking at Tyler I see how much I missed out on. That alone should motivate me to say "Hey I don't want to miss out on this with Tyler too"...but some days the motivation just isn't there...it's hard to be a parent and be human too.

Not the parent I used to be -- or need to be -- for Zachary. Zachary's probably the toughest. He's the baby of the family...he's only got one more year and he's in school full time. Why am I looking forward to that when I should be enjoying the time I *do* have with him? Yes, I spend time with him, but I can't say most of it is quality time. It's so hard to hear him speak...when we know for the first two years of his life he couldn't  hear...and how proud Robert was of his little voice once he was able to start speaking (once he was able to hear)...every time I hear Zac speak it's like a knife in my heart because I know Robert would be tickled and smiling and loving every single little syllable that comes out of his mouth. I try to look past that and say "hey he's talking and I need to listen"...which I *do* listen, but it's hard when it's always followed by Robert's voice mimicking him. Geeze, it's hard to believe that in just under 2 months Zac will be five years old!! He's not even trying to potty train...and yes, I push him, just not hard enough...and that too is part of Robert -- not that I am trying to turn everything into about Robert (no matter what Kelly thinks) but there are so many memories of him...he was a late potty trainer too and I know that pushing him just made it harder for him...and increased his anxiety. I don't want to do that to Zac...It's so hard to differientiate the right way to handle this...because no matter what I do brings memories -- both good and bad.

I hope that some day I can be a better person, a better parent -- I know I will always be a grieving parent -- but I hope some day it subsides so that I can function as a human again.

This has turned into a much longer blog post than I intended, but a wise friend suggested that I should continue blogging as it may just help.

And so this is my heart, my mind, my diary...open to the public. I hope that someday I can come back and read it and see that the despair has cleared some and I have found my "new" normal and my "new" self...even with the title of grieving parent.

Days are getting crazier and crazier

The closer I come to surgery...so I may start going MIA for long periods of time (as I have been). I schedule my surgery on Friday....I have Andrew taking the necessary steps to reactivate himself as Harley's CNA while I am "out of commission". Thankfully my job is the most wonderful place anyone could work and I have enough sick and vacation time saved to get full paychecks while I am out (assuming I will only need 3 weeks total off work). That will cover my health insurance premiums as well..then Andrew will also be getting paid the full check as well for filling in for me and is taking a leave of absence from work for however long the doctor tells him he needs to be available -- but definitely for the days I'll be in the hospital.

Once Friday rolls around I will be busy contacting people in my family to let them know when and where the surgery will be...amazing how family finally starts to find you when you are in "need" of support?! It's nice though since I'm rarely on any of my boards anymore. I have been battling awful depression and anxiety the closer we get to just the scheduling of the surgery.

I'm under extreme amounts of stress with the surgery looming as it is...then I have my Ex starting some crap over those papers I filed waaay back in August! For the past two days I have been working on my finanical affidavits, which has not been an easy task. It's really cut into my Zac & Mommy time as well!

Now Tyler's got such bad diarrhea tonight that most likely he won't be going to school tomorrow...he wants diaper rash cream and wearing underpants even makes it hurt worse his poor little butt is so sore!!

Zachary's had a verbal explosion this week, not only speaking words, but two syllable words and even a couple of really cool short sentences...He has a good 20 words now and I am super excited!! The speech therapist definitely feels that our mommy & me time help a lot with his verbalizations. I am so so proud of my little man..this week he even started to answer the question of how old are you? (and he responds with 2!! -- Not till December, but I'm gonna let him get away with it!) He's back to working on potty training and I predict by this summer my house will be diaperless! Not sure how I feel about that one!

I failed to come back and tell everyone what a great week Harley's had at school! Monday he had a substitute para and started full time on Tuesday...both Tuesday and Wednesday I got reports of him having an "awesome and productive" day!! I am so proud of him too!

My ex called and decided he wanted to spend the weekend with the kids. Robert leaves for his field trip on Sunday at 6:45 AM and is stressing out that his dad won't get him there in time for the motor coach...Kelly is stressing because she doesn't even want to acknowledge her dad, no less spend a whole weekend with him so she is plotting how she can get HIM to disown HER over the weekend. I think it's a bad idea, but she keeps telling me that she's old enough to make her own decisions and I cannot stop her.

Andrew is stressing out about my surgery date also! We're upping his meds in the next couple of days...I'm hoping the leave of absence from work really helps him to destress some, although I think being around the kids full time and trying to keep up with the house will be pretty stressful as well.

i'm hoping someday soon I can get Kelly to give me some pics she took at the Homecoming dance...her first HighSchool formal dance...but she went stag...but still...I want to see the pics...the theme was Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and she went with a group of her friends (who also came to her birthday party).

Oh did I mention that she broke my card reader on my laptop? That's why I haven't been uploading pics (that and a lack of time!) I have to get my old HP Printer out that has a card reader...

Oh yeah, and we are also still trying to finalize her room...we have to get some insuilation done in there, some patchwork on areas that were water damaged...but we managed to get all the wallpaper down, the room fumigated and everyting in there cleaned, washed and certified bed bug free!!

Well, I've gone on long enough here for tonight...since Tyler won't be going to school tomorrow I should have time to get my throwback picture up pretty quick...thank goodness for my scanner!! LOL

He's walking!

I finally got Zachary walking on video..one problem...the video is sideways and I can't rotate it :)

First "word" and words!!!!

Zachary!!! He said Uhoh today!! His first "word"....

Then two hours later we were chasing Tyler around the house and Zachary repeated "Get You!"!!!!! OMG!!! It's so nice to hear his little voice!!!

Yes, I am crying...just like I did when Harley said his first word (mama) at almost 7 years old...