Two years ago today

I'll warn you now, this is not a happy post -- and it may be TMI for some...

It was two years ago today, almost this very moment that I woke up to bleeding...I was 7w5d pregnant. I decided to just keep an eye on it...I had been planning to call and make my first prenatal visit today knowing that they don't typically see you till you are about 10 weeks along.

As soon as the doctor's office opened, I called and told them what was happening. They told me to come in and they would take a look. We arrived and they did an ultrasound...as we watched the screen, there was the baby's heartbeat...then it was gone!! I watched as my baby's heart stopped beating...

I never once, after 4 healthy pregnancies, thought this would happen to me. I fell apart when I saw him remove the 'wand' covered in blood. I was sent home with instructions that if I had started to hemorrage to go to ER immediately.

By 4pm that day the bleeding was so awful I finally did go in to the ER...Harley's therapist drove me there since Andrew had to work and didn't want to be late for his client. They checked me in right away and I asked if there was somewhere I could go, because in just a half an hour I had not only soaked through my pad but the blood was running down my legs...They put me on a gurney in the hallway and said they'd be back to me....

finally...at 10pm they came to get me..yes 6 hours of sitting on the gurney in the hallway (well, clsoer to five)...I sat there and cried and cried for all that time...They got me into the room where the D&C machine was located and told me to undress from the waist down...as I was undressing I found my baby's remains in my underwear and I just fell on the floor crying. I picked up the phone to call Andrew and he said he would be by to pick me up after his client at about 1:30 AM. They had to give me a rhogam shot so I had to wait for that, I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital!!

They finally let me go and I walked to the 7-11 and got a cup of hot coffee (it was really cold outside) and then sat outside to wait for Andrew....

For the next few weeks, I couldn't function. Finally two days before Christmas I managed to go out and get some shopping done for the kids. If it wasn't for the wonderful ladies of the December 2006 Angels board, I probably would've lost my mind. They were all so supportive even though some of them were much further along than I when they lost their babies...some of them lost their first baby...I cannot imagine the pain they have endured through these last two years.

I don't know why, but this year is harder than last year...maybe it was the anticipation of Zachary's arrival that helped me get through this anniversary last year? This year I should be experiencing that same thing since Andi was due on the 14th of December...and I just feel awful...Can't stop crying...The pain feels so fresh...