I guess it was just the final straw

I don't know what it is...there's so many things...I've not been able to stop crying since the whole family picture thing fell apart last night. I think it was just that 'final straw' that broke me...

I've been racking my brain trying to figure where I could set up a place to do pictures...what I could use as a backdrop...And then I think...I'm really not good at that kind of stuff anyhow, so why am I bothering to even think about it? I was tempted to call Andrew's brother who likes to show off his camera and his picture taking skills and asking him to do some shots of us...doubt he'd do it anyhow -- anything that would help us out he finds a reason not to be able to lend a helping hand...

Barely got any sleep but I tried and tried. Andrew finally did get some sleep and was up for some activities, but now it's looking like either I won't get to O this time or it will be later than usual. Our goals is every 36 hours or less and it's been nearly 4 days -- I just feel like time has come to give up on everything.

Seems like everything I've been putting my efforts in and getting excited about just falls apart. I'm tired of getting excited for things and then having them ripped away -- the bfp earlier this month, the family pictures, Thanksgiving and Christmas with ALL my children.

Add to that Andi's EDD is so very close and so many of my 'friends' are due...I am happy for them....I want to share in their excitement but it just tears at my heart to think I should be experiencing that same excitement--talking about babies dropping, ultrasounds, preparations...I feel like such a bad friend for falling apart every time I think of one of them having their sweet little babies...I don't know what I'm going to do when I see pictures of their sweet little girls (yes, seems they are all having girls which just makes it harder).

Then yesterday I find out that Robert & Kelly won't be with us on Thanksgiving AND Christmas. It's just too much stress on them to 'argue' with Kenny's familiy -- I don't want them to dread the holidays because they are pulled every which direction. I guess it's my own fault, when Kenny asked if I had plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas I said "no, other than celebrating here as a family"...so he went ahead and accepted invitations from his mom, his dad, his sister and his girlfriend's mother. I didn't mean -- oh you can have them -- but I guess that's just the way it sounded. Someday my children will be able to decide for themselves where they would like to be for the holidays -- and his family will accept it. Kelly would prefer to stay with us for the holidays but knows that she would pay for it every time she sees grandma, grandpa, Auntie or dad so she just won't...

I felt so good the other day -- getting so much accomplished -- then yesterday as I'm making my list of chores for the day (yes, I actually write a list on my dry erase board of "my goals for the day") -- I realized wow, these are the same chores I busted my ass and got done the other day. What have I really accomplished?

Yes, I have five beautiful children and a wonderful husband...and these little things really shouldn't be getting to me as much as they are. I think ... Ok, on to thinking about happier things -- Zachary's birthday is right around the corner (18 more days!). I just hope that it goes better than everything else has been going...