Thursday, January 13, 2011

where to start? Hard to swallow...

Not sure where to start, since there is so much to post about....

The things I've said I was going to talk about have gotten away from me...so many turn into a blur as other issues arise...the one (two) that stand out most are the two 'run ins' we've had over the past six months with law enforcement / child services....I don't even know ... I may have already blogged about it? I doubt it because I wasn't sure if I was ready for any backlash my readers may have...

The first came when going to a local park...we didn't go to the park Harley was expecting us to go to and he had a major, major meltdown. He threw his water bottle smacking me and then picked it back up smacking Andrew. There were other families at this (small) playground. Of course, Harley looks like a fairly typical child so people don't understand that there is more to it than an inappropriate temper tantrum by a 'spoiled child'....Andrew did a take down on him...then I couldn't get Andrew to back off...the other families cleared the park in a hurry. Truthfully Andrew did ok in taking him down at the time because we had to stop him before something got hurled at an innocent bystander. HOWEVER, Andrew tends to get out of control himself at times and would not calm either. So the two of them were wrestling around on the ground in public with Harley being on the bottom. Anyone walking by and seeing it would not understand, especially if they hadn't seen or heard the scene leading up to it. I finally was able to get Andrew to understand that Harley would not calm down if he continued to show emotion and that he needed to just vacate the area and get out of Harley's sight. Of course this kind of 'discussion' with Andrew leads to me being accused of "undermining his authority" but that is not the case with Harley especially. Even the staff at Creative Perspectives have tried to explain it to him, but he just gets offended.

Anyhow, back to the story. Of course I left out that Robert & Kelly were also with us (and Tyler and Zachary). We had walked the six blocks or so from home to this park. Robert's anxiety gets out of hand as well when Harley starts to act like this in public...I don't know if it's because it's embarrassing or what? So Kelly thankfully was able to keep a level head and tend Tyler and Zac while I was trying to calm Andrew, Robert and Harley.

Back to the rest of the story now...I finally convinced Andrew to start walking back home with the older kids and the younger kids and letting me deal with Harley alone. He was worried about me being able to 'deal' with Harley, but I CAN deal with Harley with very little physicial interventions (usually). I have learned with Harley when he becomes upset the best thing you can do is NOT become physically involved, nor should you attempt to make eye contact....

I walked with Harley about a block behind everyone else. I was not within arms reach of him, but still close enough that I could keep him safe from walking in the street. He was screaming, crying and spouting off obsceneties (sp?) about dad being 'evil' as I continued to walk and tell him we were not talking about it that it was over, that dad wasn't to be found. Harley was so angry he was walking fast and was able to see Andrew in front of us after a few minutes of us walking...He started the screaming, crying and obsence language again. I had to block his view of Andrew and have him sit on the sidewalk til I could calm him enough for him to start walking with me in control yet not touching him. We made it home and he went straight to the van and refused to get out until we went to the park he was expecting we would go to. In the meantime, a police officer drove by the house...I am afraid someone may have called it in and was on pins and needles thinking "how will I explain this"?. The officer did not stop and police are always driving through our neighborhood so I can only hope that this was pure coincidence.

I loaded the rest of the kids into the van and we drove to the other park and played for 10 minutes.

This brought a couple of issues to my attention...
1) even if we are only six blocks from home, we should still take the vehicle. Taking the van would've been a smart thing to do as we could've just taken him to the van and driven to the other park (about a mile away, too far to walk for Harley)...or at least gotten him to the van and home safely.
2) Always make it clear where we are headed to Harley
3) Always have an extra set of hands that can help with the younger children when dealing with Harley (which I do anyways, but especially places like parks)
4) well, this is perhaps the toughest one to swallow, and that is to .. no matter what happens, keep Andrew calm. He tends to react physically and now I feel as if I can't trust him to work with Harley. Yes I understand that a man's first reaction may be to strike back when stricken, but it is just not acceptable to me. It creates a whole new 'trust' issue that I've never dealt with before...and hurts deeply as I, in my heart, feel that Andrew is the first man I've trusted fully, with my own life, in my life...

There are a couple of more stories to share...but I will close for now.

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