Hey I did get 4 of the 6 loads of laundry done (meaning they were folded and put away!)...Got a pic of it just to prove to myself that I got SOMETHING accomplished...I feel stupid though, I managed to get a pic of my laundry,
but not my boys...yes, I'm an idiot!!
I had fun "eating letters" with Tyler today (plastic magnetic letters)... He's just awesome! And so smart...I swear I don't know how to handle a neurotypical preschooler!! I mean Harley's a real blessing, but now that I see Tyler I wonder "is he really advanced like everyone's been telling me (well, Harley's therapists and I figure they are professionals and of course the perfect strangers in public when they hear him talking). Is Harley really that far behind? I guess that's part of what's got me feeling down...I mean we've worked hard with Harley - the whole 'team' has over the years...Yet Tyler still talks better and is more intelligible than Harley is...I mean this kid NEVER stops talking or singing...It's so hard to admit that Harley's STILL that disabled...when I think of all the progress he's made...
Got the quote on the van repairs today...Oh only about $550 PLUS the tow which was another $150...Still need to get tires too with all the driving we need to do this summer with Harley going to camp 4 days a week...it's no longer just down the street, it's now a 1/2 hour drive...Add that I had to get a replacement tire on the Sable...only $92.50!!?? Ok in re-reading this there is a silver lining...Our insurance will reimburse the tow charges...just more paperwork I've got to get accomplished though...
I start interviewing respite providers next week too...So far I have my choice of 2!? Gee...that's gonna be difficult!! Since the caseworkers think I'm picky, I'm guessing they know I expect to interview more than 2 people before making my decision. Then my caseworker tells me that a 'new policy' asks us to complete a form about the child's functioning in the community and with personal care needs...so I need to have that form done before the interview...Well it's only EIGHTEEN!! Pages long...*sigh* AND I haven't actually received the damn thing yet so I can't even get started on it.
Zachary and I had a lot of fun talking to each other today too!! We did some vocal experiments and he giggled and laughed and I threw him in the air a few times (I don't do that often, but he loves it). He didn't want our special time to end and gave me hell going to bed tonight....But he's finally down...
Well talk about snowballing...The cost of the repairs means we have now exhausted our vacation fund...we won't be able to go on our trip this July now...I'm pissed at myself, the van, life, and feeling sad because I still have to break the news to my dear friend that I want so desparately to meet!! Our backup plan was to use our economic stimulus payment...well that's not gonna be MAILED to us by the IRS till Andrew's LAST DAY of Vacation time...
Oh and I still have about 8 pages of medical information to complete for Harley for his horseback riding and white water rafting trips this summer (with summer camp of course!) I know I should just be working on that stuff rather than sitting here making this post but ya know I'm in such a dark place these things are really all I can think about. I think someone should give me some daytime hours to complete my paperwork....
oh yes, I got a letter today telling me that Robert won't be able to attend school next year because he doesn't meet the vaccination requirements...umm, yes he does...the forms were filled out and sent in TWICE now...I now have received my "third and final notice"...GRRH, Robert never returned them. The school closes for the year on Friday and half the building is shut down becuase of the fire they had a few weeks ago and I have no vehicle to hand carry the crap to them myself. I wish Robert would TRY to be responsible once in a while...Oh in there I also got my 'third notice' on his failed eye screening saying he needed glasses and I haven't provided them...Umm, yes I did, they've been on his face for months now but AGAIN the form never made it to them...Robert!! At least I have copies of these things with the original dates...Maybe as a result they will stop trying to cut this boy's special ed services and actually give him the help he's supposed to be getting as a special ed student??!!
Because of the transportation issues I had to reschedule Kelly's dentist appointment. Now it's next week. At least the Van is supposed to be done by Friday!
Last day of school for Robert is Friday but because he failed biology he gets to go to school an extra week the first week of June. NOW K. (my Ex) wants to take responsibility and take the WHOLE week off of work to provide transportation for Robert to and from the program -- the only reason I can't do it is because Harley's schedule is already set and he has to be to camp by 9 am (and picked up by 3)...Robert has to be to the program at 8 am and picked up a noon. There's NO WAY! I would be able to get all the kids ready and out the door by 7:45 and then keep them in the van till I get them back home at 9:45...That's just plain ol' unfair to them! Besides, K. works for his dad (nothing like having a cush life huh?) and since his dad's on vacation in Lake Powell that week, he feels like he deserves to take the week off too! I mean after all, he can just close up the gift shop he's suppossed to be running and making money off of just because life's unfair right? Geeze dude you're 40 grow up already...Stop paying your rent to mom and getting a free ride kinda job from your daddy!
AND THE WORST NEWS (if you've made it this far) The EFFIN' TEST IS STILL BFP!! How the hell am I supposed to go on and join in the awfully 'fun' TTC game when there's till hcg in my system? GGRRHH, Since I can't have the baby and the baby's already left me, why does this stuff have to stick around? I mean sure it's only been a week but gimme a break already...It's not really been 'only a week' though...it's
been a long hard six week rollercoaster ride and I am so ready to get off!! I can't even trust myself to make an order of OPKs or HPTs till I KNOW this stuff is out of my system, but at the same time I'm afraid I'll miss the opportunity...And then I'm fooling myself (at least I think I am) into believing that I'm having fertility signs...Still I got DH on the EOD schedule till further notice. I apologized to him for putting him under such pressure, but I broke down and cried on his shoulder (literally today) telling him that I just know I'll be crushed if AF does show up even one more time in the next 10 months! I gotta get that BFP before January...the sticky, healthy one that ends in a real live baby! Maybe that's just a pipe dream?
My poor DH....I know I've not been easy to live with and the test still having a line just set me off even more today...And now I'll add a picture of them...you'll see that I was testing EOD since the day after the loss and they were gettin lighter and lighter and now? Seems like it's just staying the same:
And then I feel like I really upset my bestest friends...I feel like I pushed away ladies who need the support much more than I do and it weighs heavy on my heart. I feel so badly for them, especially N. because I feel like all my news over the last six weeks have just exacerbated her pain...Probably the pain of many of the ladies who I hold very close to my heart...
Edit: Another thing that set me off tonight: I went to get some milk for some reason I was craving milk tonight...Someone finished the milk...no extra gallons in the fridge? Ohhh, I could strangle someone...that means I have no milk for Tyler's breakfast...or his bedtime drink....Grrh! And the worst part is that not ONE of them will admit to being the last one to get to the milk....Ok, so then who drank the last of the milk without saying anything? One of the neighbors or what?? Come on! That really set me off...See I'm like overly emotional and crazy right now!!
Life really isn't that bad...I'm just experiencing a hiccup in my sanity at the moment. Things will calm down again, my life will be back on track and the hormones of this crazy pregnancy will be gone (hopefully more pregnancy hormones won't be far behind)...
I doubt nor do I expect anyone would've made it through this whole rant, but it sure felt good to get it all off my chest...At least there's a glimmer of light in that dark place now...
If you did make it this far, I LOVE YOU for LOVING me!
1 comment:
Tracy got through your entire post, you sound as though you need to declare a Tracy day...a day just for you to go and pamper yourself, and not worry about appts, meals, cleaning and kids. A day that is for you. Sleep in, take a Long shower, drink coffee or tea, and read the paper. Paint your nails, do your hair...and just all around, have a great time for you! HUGS to you sweetie...I wish I had magic words to make you feel better....but just know you are in my thoughts!
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