Sunday, April 27, 2008

I know it's wrong...

but I just can't bring myself to visit my 'new' birth board today...I just don't feel emotionally ready for everyone to be talking about hearing heartbeats, seeing a bean...I know it's selfish but I'm so afraid...I can't bring myself get attached to these women and then have to say goodbye.

As you can tell, it's been a very emotional day. I woke up at 3:00 this morning with just an awful, indescribable feeling and didn't get back to sleep. I actually sat at the computer and thought I should make a counter box for my 'newest loss'...I even went to the website to make it and figured ya know, that's just wrong of me to call it done without someone telling me that it's over for sure...So instead I made this ticker:

I started having some pretty bad pains around noon, so I laid down and ended up sleeping til about 2 (Both Zac & Tyler decided to nap at the same time, respite was here to deal with Harley and Robert & Kelly are always doing their own thing). I still felt like a bad mom because I just couldn't function...I have felt paralyzed with whatever fear it was that woke me up at 3 this morning.

About 3:00 this afternoon, I began having pains again. Pretty strong ones and they were timable...but I was driving at the time and had to keep my cool since I had all the kids in the van...I thought for sure it was over and I'd be seeing red by the end of the night...It's nearly 10pm and still nothing...

I started having radical pains about a 1/2 hour ago...feels like a knife stabbing in my left ovary and groin...Then Andrew starts up with this CRAP about how I just need to think positive and I'll see a baby on Wednesday...Telling me to stop projecting the worse...Hello? Is he having these pains? How am I supposed to remain positive with this going on? Hey, the pains now are not timable, they just GRAB me out of no where!

I'm still having pregnancy symptoms and that's almost a bummer...I learned (stupid internet sometimes!) that with a blighted ovum you still have regular symptoms.

Harley's had a pretty uneventful day (thankfully!)...I mean other than his usual ripping the limbs off the tree out front...the poor thing's gonna be dead soon. With everything we have in our big backyard, he's gotta go hang out front and torture this tree EVERY time! If Harley's missing suddenly, we know that's the first place to look...*sigh*

I feel bad because I just couldn't deal with Zac and Tyler much today. I just don't feel right trying play and interact with them when I've got tears in my eyes constantly. I did take about an hour for Zac and a 1/2 hour for Tyler today, but it just doesn't seem enough...

I'm supposed to be cleaning the carpet now...I'm only going to do the living area since everyone else is asleep...Maybe it will get my mind on something else?

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