Monday, June 1, 2009

Bad luck? Evil forces? (sorry a rant/vent)

It's been rough the last couple of weeks...probably part of the reason I've not made too many entries on my blogs but ya know, I'm sick of not having anyone to "talk" to...I just need some support - even if it's only via internet...

Andrew and I have been arguing quite often over the last two weeks...about stupid crap...things like the toys in the back yard aren't picked up and organized...but really, don't I have enough crap to keep up with in the house and everywhere else? It's not like anyone sees the backyard - it's surrounded by 6' privacy fence and it's viewable from the street...anyways one of the 'comments' he made was how we are all such slobs and don't care....so I worked myself into the ground trying to make sure everything was spic and span...then he gets angry because I never sit down...Well I feel like everything needs to be spotless at all times so that he doesn't feel the need to call us slobs. After all last time he called us slobs was because the hgh chair was still dirty from lunch time...whatever...I'll end this part there...

The kids get back from visiting their dad and announce how they plan to go up there every month. Really? How are they gonna get there? Well, their dad tells them that they can ride the greyhound anytime...well he left out that they don't go anywhere near Casper nor did he tell them that a one way ticket is $99 EACH - ONE WAY!! Now they think I'm trying to keep them from seeing their dad...I'm not willing to spend my money and drive my vehicles to see him...HE's the one who decided to move up there...He's not paying a dime in child support...if he wants to see his kids he can make arrangements (monetarily)...BUT he won't and would rather blame me for his not seeing his kids...

Kelly got into a fight with her two BFFs a couple of weeks ago. I have been trying to spend more one-on-one time with her because I fear she will get depressed. She seems to be handling it well and has moved on to more "desirable" friends anyways...She was going down the "emo" road and has been slowly coming out....It's nice to see more smiles and see her wearing something other than black and dark eye makeup. But still, I worry....

Then our "new" van needed basically a new front end...got a quote of $1200...took it to my friend's uncle who is a retired mechanic who recently shut down his automotive shop (but still has all the eqiupment) and he was able to get it done for $500...but then tells me we need new brakes and tires...there's another $500...

So we were driving our old van, which also needed new tires. We could only get 2 tires for it because we had to pay for the repairs on the other van...well since it's an AWD vehicle, we've got to put all 4 tires new, matching on it or it will ruin the transmission...ok, there's another $200...we're up to $700 now....

Then our old van needed a smog test to get new plates...Great...no problem right? WRONG! It FAILED it's test...My friend's uncle doesn't touch that kind of stuff so he's going to refer us to his friend that does. I looked up a new EGR valve and that alone is going to be nearly $200...plus labor....so now we're up to at least $900 for repairs/tires for our vehicles....

Well, I've been trying to plan a little vacation -- just 3 days!! for us to get away from the stresses of home. I'd love to take a longer vacation but that's about all Harley can handle. We were just going to go somewhere here in Colorado...but with both of our vans needing this much work we can't really drive them too long of distances till they get fixed...and there goes our 'vacation' money...

Until we can get our second van on the road (gotta pass the smog test!) I'm gonna have to get up at 6...so much for sleeping in just a little this summer...I'm gonna have to get up and drive Andrew to work then come back and get the 3 younger kids ready and take Harley to camp every day (except Friday)....Yeah, I'm gonna destressify my life this way right?

Now on to the other thing I don't typically talk about here...we are still kind of ttc, not as active as we were but still trying to at least dtd during the right time frame and hope for the best...for some reason Andrew can't seem to get it "going" during O time but any other time of the month he can?! WTH is that all about? It just feels like a sign...

I did finally get rid of the last of our baby stuff. I cleaned out Zachary's drawers and even got rid of that stuff too....typically I save that stuff for our "hopeful" baby...but I have nothing left...Got rid of the equipment, the clothes, everything!! I am sad over that but thought it might help me to give up on this...I still can't give up....I WANT to give up but when I mention that to Andrew he gets upset and says "you're just giving the evil their way"....Come on already...it's been almost 19 months and I have yet to get pregnant with a viable pregnancy -- six losses in those 19 months are enough. I don't know how much more I can do this...

Then of course we have Harley's 'bug bites'...they seem to be getting worse and worse. The one on his arm is now the size of a football...the benadryl is not helping with the itching and we can't do topicals on him (between his licking them - he's got PICA you know, he likes to lick EVERYTHING!) and his sensory issues. Oh yeah, so far as the sunscreen, he's allergic to paba, which reduces which brands we can use (did you know how many brands use paba?) Typically we get him the spray on kind because he can't stand being "rubbed" on...and then we get him the 'stick' kind for his face since you can't do the spray on the face. Andrew thinks the dr may have misdiagnosed it. She basically said since she didn't see any ticks that it couldn't be lyme disease...BUT we found something we thought was a tick...she looked at it and said "no it's just a scab that's infected and that's why it looks like a tick bite"...Andrew still thinks it's a tick bite but with all the scratching Harley's done he's scratched the head off of it and that's why it's just the scab looking spot. So he'll be going back to the dr today....

Recently we have been having more and more violent outbursts from Harley. We think it may be the abscense seizures as when he comes out of them he gets violent. With these types of seizures it's hard to tell if he's hallucinating, being autistic or having seizures. I've talked to his nurse and dr and these types of seizures are not detectable on an EEG so there's no sense in trying to see how often he's having them that way. I tell ya it's making me re evaluate our desire for another baby. My heart aches for another baby but if he continues to get out of control and have to be sedated....is that really an environment to bring a new baby into? It was so bad yesterday that we had to remove Tyler and Zachary from the room -- and even though the 'episodes' happen in the house, they are loud enough and with us being on a corner, visible enough that the neighors feel it's necessary to take their children inside. I've gotta remember to ask his psych today if he could have tourette's with the nasty words he spouts off? I wish I knew what it is that's been making him violent out of no where....It might be something I could do something about if I knew...

Of course I'm also stressing about Harley and his success at his new middle school next year. He's getting more and more violent and emotional if someone makes a comment like "you're a freak"...and I KNOW middle school students aren't very nice...I hope he can make it through. I could never keep enough of a routine/schedule to home school him...and I don't want to send him away. We are considering keeping him mildly sedated all the time...and that is something I've tried to avoid for many, many years...but it's now getting to the point that he is a physical danger...and the next step would be out of home placement and I'm not even ready to visit that....

Well this is much too long for anyone to completely read through anyways. I've been holding it in for weeks and feel like I'm just gonna explode if I don't get it out somewhere...I feel so alienated on so many of my boards that I just am not comfortable asking anyone for advice...besides the people who were visiting my blog to tell me how daft I am and how crazy my famly is are on some of those boards and I really don't need people name calling and making me feel like dirt....I'm doing a pretty good job of that myself. I am still on my anti depressants but wonder if I should be investigating something stronger...which would definitely put an end to trying for our last baby....and again I just don't feel ready to give up on that completely quite yet...not till September when my prescription for progesterone runs out and the dr won't renew it...that's only 3 more months anyhows...

I hope someone read through the whole thing and can tell me I'm truly not crazy...It's just a run of bad luck or the evil working against us and we will make it through, be stronger in the end....

2 comments:

Jenn said...

Tracy, I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now! You are not crazy!! Everyone goes through hard times/bad luck, and you are just having a lot of it right now!! I hope things start looking up for you soon!

Jaime said...

You WILL be okay Tracy--all of you will be. Just let the past go, don't worry about tomorrow--take it one day at a time. That is all God asks of us--carry a miniscule portion of the burdon for each day, one day at a time--He handles the rest. You feel overwhelmed right now because your trying so SO hard to carry more than He's ever asked you to. Let some of it go Sweetie, and rest in Him while He works in you. {{{HUGS}}}