And held Zachary tight today...very tight...realizing he truly is my last baby. I don't want him to grow up! I don't want to accept that he is truly the last baby God feels I deserve. I understand I have no control (and if you know me, I HAVE to be in control of my life!) over this whole baby #6 business...and God's given me the finger enough times now that I think it's time to accept it and move on. It's hard...I truly don't want to give up, but I know it's best for everyone involved. I don't want my kids' only memory of me being that I cried and cried every month because I couldn't have another baby. I know I will hurt for the rest of my life for ending my child bearing years with 4 losses...but I've done everything I can -- everything within my own control...the only thing I've not done is shell out tons of money to see an RE...which Andrew decided years ago we would NEVER do.
I posted all the baby clothes on freecycle today. I hope someone has the heart to come and get them from me. I hope they get here when Andrew's home because I just don't want them to see me smelling them, hugging them...saying good bye to this dream I've held onto for way too long.
I just can't yet bring myself to get rid of the bigger baby items. Maybe I can take them to the consignment shop...I can't let these things go for free!! This stuff is just too expensive to replace...but I doubt it will bring me a bfp since we won't be doing any opks, charting or progesterone anymore...
I have a huge hole in my heart today. I am not a quitter....but when God and my body just keep saying "FUCK YOU...I HATE YOU AND DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS" what choice do I have but to give up?
I will always feel like someone is missing, but I will have to get past that someday...or at least bury it deep inside my heart....
ETA: No, AF hasn't shown yet, but I know it's just a matter of stopping the progesterone and waiting for a few days...Once AF shows, I will update my chart and put my membership on hold in case someday something happens that changes my heart from feeling like it's breaking every damn time!!
3 comments:
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry.
TOY, Tracy.
Tracy-- I am crying. I hate that you feel the need to let go of this dream. It hurts me even more that you think God doesn't love you. I know that he does Tracy. I cannot explain why your having such a trial in completing your family. I wish I knew. I can tell you that God has entrusted you with 5 wonderful children so I would say that he knows you can handle it.
I love you. I pray for you. I ask that you not give up. You are my friend. My sister. I cannot imagine getting through the past 2 years without you.
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