7:1

I'll warn you now that this is a vent post. Yesterday was an AWFUL day for me and I just feel a need to get it off my chest. I'm probably just overreacting...maybe it's just a hormonal thing...I don't know...I just feel like I can't keep my head on straight anymore :(

First I woke up very teary...It hurts to realize that a week ago today (Sunday) I got a bfn after just starting to get excited that I actually was pregnant. That hurts so much...I just want to be able to carry a pregnancy all the way...I want to get a bfp that will last more than a week...It's just soo hard right now...I'm trying to look forward but it's just so hard....I so badly want happy memories of my last pregnancy...not memories of loss after loss...

Now to explain the title: I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere in every aspect of my life...There are 7 people in this house. It's hard because now that it's the school year Robert and Kelly are at Kenny's much more ... so they get to come here ... this weekend they were here from 3:00 Friday till noon on Saturday. What's that 18 hours? It breaks me so much to realize that they just don't feel like they are my kids...I feel like I see so little of them when they are here such a short period of time. I still have to clothe, feed, all that stuff because they are still my children...but then they are not here to help clean up after it all...I mean if they were too young (like Tyler and Zachary) to clean up or for me to expect it from them it woud be different...but they are old enough...just not here...
So my day starts at 5AM with doing dishes and starting up a load of laundry. By 7AM there's another load to be done and more dishes to be done...I just keep doing the same things over and over again and it feels like it's never done...I never get that sense of accomplishment...

My back is hurting so badly...my legs feel like rubber I am so tired yet my body and mind won't relax enough for me to get some rest. Finally about 10:30 when Zac went down for a nap I had Andrew stay with Tyler and Harley and I went to lay down. I was laid down about 15 minutes when Harley comes in wailing..."Dad called me a pig". Harley had found the bag of chips and ate 3/4 of it in 10 minutes...I can understand why Andrew would lose his patience, but he's just gotta learn that certain words set Harley off. So I got up and was so dizzy I still couldn't function so I laid on the couch...I had just started to doze off when Harley started in with Tyler and sat on him...trying to crush him and telling him "you must die". I do NOT know where Harley's getting this...I mean you don't learn this stuff from Curious George, Word World or Sesame Street...And that's pretty much all that's on our tv all the time (since Harley has to have the tv on whenever he's around).

Now that leads to a discussion with Andrew -- I don't think we have many choices...This has GOT to be messing with Tyler's head...He's only 2 1/2 and I KNOW he doesn't understand. Harley's hallucinations have gotten out of control...We are trying one more med with him and then we may have no option but to start sedating him...I wonder if he will make it through the school day or if I will once again get a phone call before noon saying he can't function and they want me to come and get him.

His eating has gotten out of control and over the last week he's gotten more violent. I don't know...Maybe it's puberty? It just breaks my heart...he was diagnosed in 2000 as severe/moderately autistic... He's made great strides to the point that some people have asked if we should get him reevaluated to maybe being High Functioning....Now? He's taken 5 steps backwards...it's not just the autism anymore, but the psychosis that is making life so hard. He sees things and we have no control....and no way to stop them....

So in order to keep Tyler and Zachary safe we have some heavy decisions to make...Sedate Harley or consider out of home placement. I can't stand the thought of not living with my son! It would break my heart as much (if not more) than all the losses I have endured. I can't even begin to think about that...I must find something else that will work...I'd rather sedate him than send him away....

Oh, there's so much more to write and that's on my mind...I have to finish getting him ready for school though and I think this has gone on long enough. Thanks if you made it this far. I am hurting physically and emotionally from so many things I can't seem to keep my mind straight.

Maybe I'll be back later to finish...