Shoulda known better...

The final chapter to the Freedom post...

As some of you know I was pretty darned excited to get out with Andrew and the teens to go tubing yesterday. I was up early getting everyone ready so the babysitter would have an easy job...She arrived and we were ready to walk out the door.

Harley had a total meltdown saying he wanted to go. Andrew had told me previously that he didn't think he could handle it and that the water would be too deep anyhow. So what does Andrew do the SECOND Harley starts having a meltdown? Tells him OK, go get in the van!? It is so wrong...if he would've given me 5-10 minutes I could've calmed Harley--but he jumped the gun and immediately responded by letting him go with us. I was upset for a number of reasons: #1 because this was supposed to be MY time with Andrew...I haven't had time with Andrew (remember, having the teens with us didn't count) for nearly SIX YEARS!! (for having fun purposes anyway). #2 I knew it would be me sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else having fun. #3 What is he teaching Harley? Beat yourself about the head and dad will let you do whatever you want to do?

So I ended up crying the whole trip up to the river. I tried to relax once we got there, but Harley would have no part of that. So while the weather was 100 degrees, I got to sit in the sun and walk back and forth up and down the pathway. Each time Harley saw someone come by (Kelly, Robert, Troy or Dad) he wanted to walk to meet them about a mile walk (again in 100 degree heat). I got selected to be the pack mule too...I got to carry everyone's water bottles, towels, clothes, shoes...

Now I feel awful for two reasons: #1 - I feel like an awful and selfish mom for wanting to leave Harley behind so badly but I so felt that Andrew and I deserved that time together. #2 - What is wrong with me that Andrew doesn't see the point in spending some fun time together?

I tried to talk it out with him and make him understand that I just wanted a couple of hours of his time so that we could build a new, fun memory..it's been wwaaay too long. That's why I was looking forward to this trip...more than the actual tubing itself I wanted the time to have fun with my husband. That shouldn't be seen as such a crime should it? Instead he's telling me that he's being a 'responsible parent' because he couldn't leave Harley behind with the attitude he was having. I really could've calmed him, given the time...what would 5-10 minutes more have done for them? It would've made the world of difference for me.

Now, I feel like a bad mom because I did want to leave Harley behind. And Andrew just makes me feel like that moreso by saying he was being 'responsible' in having Harley tag along. I was so pissed off and hurt that Harley went. It's so selfish...not so much a bad mommy, but a selfish mommy I guess? I just needed the time away from the three little ones who are always needing me to wait on them hand and foot.

This was the 3rd time I had scheduled something for Andrew and I to do for fun while he was still on vacation. Now his vacation is over and he's telling me...oh let me make it up to you....I don't feel he can! I mean, even if we get a babysitter for the two little ones again, he's back to work...he works till 10am, comes home till 11:45 and works till 1:30 and we have to leave at 2:30 to pick up Harley from camp...where does that leave us any time to do anything like that? Besides it wasn't so much the tubing that was the goal, but the time with him...

I can't even explain myself right now so I guess I should close this post...