The Battle of Head vs. Heart

I'm struggling with some issues here...I know I mentioned that the OT wrote a letter to the psychiatrist about her concerns? I told her it was ok, but it's got my head so tweaked I haven't been able to eat or sleep for two days...

It's nice to hear an outsiders point of view who actually cares and KNOWS what we're going through...here's part of the letter:

During the past 3 years, I have, on several occasions, witnessed Harley’s emotional and sometimes violent outbursts. Theses outbursts are often accompanied by what appears to be hallucinations, as Harley will talk about “the evil people/monsters/robots” in the room. When these outbursts occur, Harley is unable to be reasoned with. He often strikes out at mom or dad by hitting, biting, spitting, and throwing objects. Harley frequently verbalizes that he is going to “kill” a certain person, and sometimes will even verbalize a plan. Recently, Harley has begun to also show aggression towards his brothers and sister. I have seen Harley knock his 2 year old brother off of the couch because Harley was mad about something completely unrelated to his brother. In the past, mom and dad were able to restrain Harley in order to keep him safe, and to keep others safe. But Harley is now getting to big to restrain, and physical altercations are increasingly more dangerous.

Harley also has difficulty with sleep, and mom reports that he often gets up in the middle of the night. During these times of insomnia, Harley will sometimes stay quietly in his room, but at other times, he will wander into the kitchen and eats everything in sight. Mom and Dad are not always aware when Harley is up, as they are sleeping too, and therefore Harley is unsupervised. This is particularly distressing due to the fact that Harley has extremely poor judgment, safety awareness, and impulse control. Additionally, when Harley is sleep deprived, his anxiety level increases, and his aggressive behaviors become more frequent.

Harley’s behaviors have been distressing to the entire family, and they are desperate for some solutions

Now this leads me to a whole new struggle. Yes, we are ttc our last (#6)...with some of the things she says in the letter I am second guessing that decision. I am having an internal struggle between my head and my heart...I told Andrew of my struggle and he wasn't very helpful...His response was something to the effect that "Decisions made with your heart are always rewarded. Decisions made with your head you will forever regret". I understand what he's saying to a point, but...when I read what the OT has observed is it fair to bring another family member into this? I don't want to say "yeah, I almost had #6 and we lost her" ... I don't want to remember my 'last pregnancy' as the pregnancy I lost.

I'd love to be able to put the decision off for another year while we continue to work with Harley and his therapists but time just won't wait for me...it's one of those now or never things. I will forever regret if we decide we will not add that last child to our famiily...but again, is it fair? To the family? to the child?

It's time like these, when I think I'm doing the best I can for Harley and then get blindsided...and feel like I'm failing at everything I'm doing. I only wish I had gotten that bfp last time around so this wouldn't be something to consider...

End of my sad post for the day...