I had betas drawn yesterday. I should have those results today or tomorrow. Another draw tomorrow. Ultrasound on Thursday. The pain in my left ovary area has gotten worse each day. The back pain is nearly too much to handle. Although I continue to have plenty of pregnancy symptoms, I just don’t trust it…I just want to get the rollercoaster ride over with at this point. If I don’t see a heartbeat on Thursday’s ultrasound, I think it’s time to face the reality that the baby has decided it’s taking a different path…To be completely truthful with myself and the readers of the blog, I have to admit that I’m hoping that my hcgs are already dropping…taking the ‘decision’ away from me and making me face the reality of what I will (or will not) see on Thursday. I wish the bleeding would start already and take the heart-wrenching decision away from me...
I got a gut feeling last night that it truly is over for my little Andi. It hurts to think that, but at the same time if it's over I just want to get my hcgs down so we can TTC again. This whole situation is making me crazy! my Poor DH will be in for it when TTC time comes again...I’m hoping my hcgs will be gone in time to get a bfp in August…giving us a March or April baby…After all, we have no family birthdays in March or April. We will be shooting for a boy since we feel that each of our losses have been girls.
I had to come back and edit to add: The nightmares have kept me from getting any solid sleep...I have had the most awful nightmares...and vivid. Perhaps the worst part is waking up and remembering every minute detail of the ordeal. The nightmares have been about babies...babies that don't make it...drowning, hurting, dying. I wake up screaming, crying, shaking, sweating...I am taking these as sign of what I need to learn to accept.
The doctors have ‘warned’ me that because of my age (AMA=Advanced Maternal Age, pooo on you!!) the chances of this happening again are high. I really don’t know what to think of that comment, but we are NOT going to give up trying to have our sixth (well, Andrew’s third) child.
Not trying to be a downer, just trying to be realistic....In looking at the u/s pics (which I admit I've done way too much!)...the NP is right, there's nothing there. It doesn't look like a baby of 7 weeks gestation (and if I go by my original dates as given to me by FF, I'd be 9 weeks!). At this point in the pregnancy, not only should I be seeing a heartbeat…I should be able to see the little arms, legs, head…but I see none of that…So I think it’s truly time to give up and move on…
The amazing part of this whole situation and feeling I have today? I have not yet shed a tear. Typically, when I write a blog entry about this pregnancy, I cry my eyes out…I think I’m ready to admit that I am not pregnant anymore.
I hope none of the readers think I’ve given up…I haven’t given up completely…just trying to face reality…I’m not trying to be a downer…I have yet to shed a tear since the realization hit me last night.
I'm as ready for the news as I'll ever be. I think now it's a matter of acceptance.
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