Thanks...

To my dear friends who have been checking up on me and supporting me during this rough time. I am still in limbo, but at least I got some sleep last night. (nearly 4 hours!). It seems Friday is so far away...yet it seems too close at the same time. I don't want to know that my baby hasn't made it...If it's still an empty sac as of Friday, I think that will be my clue that this baby won't make it. The thing I dread is breaking the news to Kelly...She will be devastated. I'm thinking she wants this baby as much as we do...She knows that right now it's touch and go and that we're not expecting good news...I just couldn't hide my tears from her yesterday.

Another thing I dread is the waiting...Who knows when to expect it to start?

I find myself wanting badly, oh so badly, to ttc again already and there's no definite yet that this baby is gone...Well, that's still an issue that's up in the air...doesn't matter anyhow, you can't get pregnant if you're 'already pregnant'.
I don't want to go through the ride of another TTC journey...But at the same time, I just can't give it up that easily either.

I just can't find it in my heart to let go of any of it...not the current pregnancy, not all the baby things I've been saving so little Andy/i can have the handmedowns. All the baby equipment we trip over...I don't WANT to put it away (picture me here having a temper tantrum). I just can't handle it. i guess I have time and don't need to worry about putting it away quite yet. Besides Zac still uses it...I just gotta stop myself from continuing to collect more...I already bought a new bassinet for Andi/y...now I wanna kick myself for jumping the gun!

Well, I should get off the computer and on with my day. I find it hard to concentrate on anything other than this baby inside...it brings tears to my eyes to think about this baby though.

I want so badly to believe that all will be ok, but I feel like I'm hoping against hope...I don't want this baby thinking I gave up on her though...She still has two more days to grow before the ultrasound. Oh come on baby, please, please, please grow??!

Physically I am feeling 'strange'. I woke up with some pregnancy symptoms. I just don't know what they mean and it hurts to have to go through this. They are definitely not as strong as they should be at this stage. I checked my little bump and it's still there. The cramping's getting worse each day that passes so I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Mentally, emotionally--I'm a complete wreck...not as bad as I was yesterday, but still not a pretty sight.

Today I woke to thunder and lightning and rain. It's supposed to be this way all day long...I need my sunshine to brighten my day...I can't be trapped in this house all day!

Oh, but I will not forget that I have sunshine everyday. I have five wonderful, beautiful children...sure I have my challenges with a couple of them--but they still bring me sunshine on gloomy days...

I hope I can squeeze a nap in today. I'm still groggy and feeling so very sleepy...