Since the email from the dr I am a bigger emotional wreck than before (was that REALLY possible?).
So what's DH do? Yells at me...Tells me that he can't handle me being such an emotional wreck and (insert nasty pet name)...
So now I struggle with the thought...should I just go ahead and get a D&C scheduled? I absolutely HATE the thought, but it would speed the process and make Andrew stop yelling at me (maybe?). He just doesn't understand that I need his support...he tells me he can't give his support because I'm looking at the doom side and he's trying to look at it as a miracle that is going to happen by no shadow of the doubt. I can't stand the thought of a D&C and really, really want to lose this baby naturally if that's what's meant to happen.
I haven't been able to talk to my husband for 3 days now...it seems every time I do, I get yelled at and called nasty names...I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of lonliness with no chance of anyone saving me...
I want so very desperately to hold onto the thought that this will be a miracle and it will survive -- yet another reason I just can't bring myself to ask for scheduling a D&C...
I know it sounds like I'm having a huge pity party and maybe I am, but I've gotta get my feelings out somehow. I guess if you didn't want to hear it, you wouldn't be reading it...
I make it...After all I have an ultrasound on Friday ... if no growth at all, we'll do betas to see if they are dropping yet. I can't stand the thought of even considering a D&C at this point in time. This was my last chance to have my last baby...DH isn't so sure he would want to try again 'after all I've put him through the last couple of weeks'...My heart is doubly broken!! I know he's just being emotional too and I see him changing his mind pretty quickly....but still...
If you've read this...thank you...I love you for being my support and friend...
I didn't go back and spell check, proofread or anything else. I have no idea if any of this post makes sense...and I'm sorry...I'm sure I'll feel like a fool when I come back and try to read it later...
3 comments:
oh Tracy huge ((((Hugs))))) Please vent all you need to and I will be here to listen. You have my email too so feel free to email me if you need to talk. I am sorry this is happening to you and I am doubly sorry that Andrew is being a poopy. Please know you are in my thoughts pretty often and my prayers even more often!
Tracy, oh nooo sweetie...I was so hoping for better news from your doc. I am so terribly sorry for that. I am also sorry that Andrew is being an arse....men aare scared too, and often times do not know how to handle their feelings either. HUGS to you!!!!
(ps yay on zak sitting up! that is awesome!)
Tracy -- Oh I am so sorry I have been following your blogs, and well it just sucks. And I truly understand how horrible it feels to have a DH who isn't so dear and how nothing just doesn't seem to work out. I really wish I was the only one to go thru this, but I know too well so many women have this fight. PLease please find a way to have peace for one night -- it is just a one day at a time process. I am sorry you can't find rest, you really deserve it.
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