Frustration?

Here is part of a post I've already shared with some of "my ladies"...
Well, it seems my ride is over...The time has come to accept it. The bleeding started at 6:30 tonight with small clots. Here it is 9:30 and the bleeding has picked up and the clots are getting larger, so I'm just waiting for the tissue to pass. By the pain Im having now, I would say that will happen soon. Vicodin is my friend tonight...

I am amazingly at peace with it. I am appreciative of the fact that she decided when her time had come so I wouldn't have to make the decision.


Since that entry, the bleeding has stopped. I don't even know if frustrated's the right word in this case. I am in no mental state right now to be thinking at all...

Andrew and I got into a huge argument. We later discussed it (and I still think, no matter what he says), that his frustration is from the thought that he wants to continue to hold out hope that we'll still see a heartbeat...

Now....whether it's the stress of the argument or something else...I just don't know...But the bleeding as completely stopped! I thought for sure my roller coaster ride was over. Sorry for my little pity party here, but at this point...how can I not?

I will call the OB first thing in the morning and see if they think I should still be seen...I'm hoping my Lepprechaun will be there...I just like his demeanor and bedside manner...I'm hoping he can squeeze me in between his schedule and mine (LOL). I only have 2 two hour windows all day...but I'm afraid if I wait then end up calling them at the end of the day, they will expect me to go to the Emergency Room. I really don't have time to do that nor do I want to sit there for hours on end like last time.

I have tried to do the 'natural' things they say you should do to start labor...figuring that would help the process along...Still nothing!?

I guess I should explain my thinking even further...Andrew is home till about 7:30 this morning, then off to work till 9:45 or 10:00. I would prefer to know what the status of the bleeding before he leaves. I will have all 3 boys on my own for those hours tomorrow and have to stay in my typical routine as much as possible..

but I am afraid I might start hemmoraging (sp?) and pass out. What would happen with the boys if I'm laying passed out on the floor while Andrew's still at work? I guess I should carry the cell phone on my person so that if a situation arises and I know I'll probably need help soon, I can call Andrew and have him rush home. Wow it's amazing how you can come up with a quasi-solution just by trying to think it 'out loud'?

Although Sleep is avoiding me right now, I suppose it won't help my day any tomorrow if I don't try to get some sleep. You know I'll be back....