And I thought the ride was over...

I don't know what it is, but I seem to be going through some MAJOR mood swings...more sadness than anything. I can't seem to shake it. I don't know what's up with me. I go back and forth feeling that I need to be positive and relaxed about our TTC efforts because I believe that will help us get pregnant again faster...than I start thinking...Oh this is the week I would've gone for my first official prenatal appointment where we could hear the baby's sweet little heartbeat on the doppler...I think about seeing that beautiful ultrasound where you see a baby with arms, legs, a beating heart...And now I feel grieving all over again...

I wrote myself a HUGE to do list today (Taking up TWO dry erase boards) and got plenty of it done, but still feel like I accomplished nothing.

Yesterday I felt like dancing (so NOT like me) when I got the BFN..It seems that while I was sleeping it actually sunk in that I got A BFN!! Ugh!

I'm feeling and seeing secondary fertility signs and am nearly terrified of them. I don't know if I'm overanalyzing them and I'm making them up? Or could it really be happening? What can't I just let it go and relax?

Andrew and I had a dicussion and also sat and reviewed my past FF charts...with our timing with ALL of the losses..the timing was perfect for a little girl. We have both decided that it would be best for our hearts, minds and spirits if we could just 'shoot' for a boy...but how am I gonna stop myself when I don't know for sure when O date is yet? I mean with all the signs I'm having it could happen before my opks arrive...and neither one of us wants to wait another month either. It was hard to sit and look at all the bfp's I've gotten since Tyler was born (5) of them now...with 4 ending in loss...

Then I finally got through with mental health...they tell me today that they can do in home family / behavior therapy and really, really want me to visit with the psychiatrist right away to discuss changing Harley's meds. I feel like because of his recent behaviors, they are taking the choice out of my hands...I don't want him sedated to the point that he can't function, but at the same time he can't function in society the way he has been the last few weeks. He is becoming dangerous to others. I mean Andrew and I have gotten used to it, have had special training in how to deal with it (another reason we don't go anywhere without TWO adults with Harley). THen that makes me second guess another baby. Andrew and I also discussed that today and there is no doubt in our minds that if we decide to put the decision off a little longer to see how the road with Harley goes, we will regret it. There aren't many reproductive years left in either one of us.

Robert's been having some issues too and trying to hold them in but they are beginning to bubble up to the surface. It's so hard to get him to understand that we do infact understand and want to help him.

Kelly has been on needles. She handled the news of the demise of Andi really really well (surprisingly)...and today when I told her that I was missing Andi and was feeling pretty edgy (I had to warn the kids ya know)...she just didn't understand. I wouldn't expect her to at her age, but she's of the thought of "oh just get pregnant again"...she's even told us she will babysit as long as we're quiet LOL.

I spent lots of time with Zachary and Tyler today. Tyler started 'officially' potty training today. So about every hour and a half we do diaper check and go to the bathroom. He peed in the toilet today! I was so proud! But he wouldn't "do stinky butt"...well, 5 mins after he got off the pot he had no problem doing stinky...I'm so enjoying teaching him things, even when there are challenges involved. He definitely understands the concept...just getting him to do it is something else.

Zachary was a BLAST today. So many smiles, giggles and laughs. Everyday I get more and more out of him. Today he graduated into his 'convertible' car seat...no longer in the infant carrier type (of course, he is still facing backwards). He was so excited to be in a car seat that allowed for him to see more things (since it's higher and doesn't recline as much). He talked to everything he could see in the van (yes, I said the VAN, we got it back today YAY!). I got some really cute pictures of his peach fuzz on top of his head. His hair is beginning to turn red and stands STRAIGHT UP ON END no matter what you do to it...it's just adorable!

We worked on trying to get some toys put into crates in the boys' bedroom closet (yesterday was Harley's room, which I did by myself AND it got done and looks great ... well ... for Harley's room anyhow). Tyler had fun playing with all the baby toys and showing them to baby Zacky! It was great to see him interact with Zac like he was an actual KID!

I vacuumed the whole house, even moving furniture today while the boys were napping. I OVERDID it and I am really paying for it physically tonight. I didn't get any laundry accomplished but between yesterday and today I got a HUGE chunk of my paperwork done...I just hate when I accomplish chores that you can't actually see any progress on!

All the boys are down and right now I'm just rambling. These are all things I wanted to get off my chest, and there's more that I'd love to get off my chest. I've checked on all my ladies today, posted on a couple of threads but not too many. I've been trying really hard to keep the 'me' aspect out of any of my posts, except for my TTC for Large Families of course, as right now that's the closest I've got to somewhere I 'belong'...I am thankful I found the Large Families boards though...THe ladies on these boards so seem to understand where you're coming from. Not many people in today's society appreciate or even understand why you would want to have a large family, except for other large families. It keeps your heart so full! Not just your life...It makes me want to have babies until I can no longer...but I know physically, financially and emotionally that's not something I would be able to handle. Now, for a secret that's no so secret...? I am 'secretly' hoping for twins. I don't want to say this is my last time having a baby so maybe if it was even more memorable ?? I don't even know where that thought came from...It just seems so right?

It's so hard not to post on some of the boards I originally joined, but I am so afraid that even just looking at my siggy upsets some of the ladies there...I don't want to remove my siggy as it is ME ya know? What to do? I continue to lurk there and have so much I want to say...I want to continue to share my life with them...I want to share this rollercoaster ... er... I mean Journey with them...I want them to stay my 'friends' too though...I don't think I would have the heart to make an announcement of a bfp on that board...it just doesn't seem right...It hurts to think that, to type it, to read it...These ladies are closer to me than my own sister or even mother ever was...Oh I'll figure out a way that seems non chalant, but I don't want to 'rub it in'....

Really, now I should just go to bed...I don't know if any of this made sense. My mind is racing so hard...I am tired...I am emotional...I am a MESS! I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe a good night's sleep (meaning about 5 hours or so, not in a row of course) will take away these damned weepies I've been having all day today. I'm just so mad at myself for not being able to control my weepies...they come out of no where for no reason...

My bed really is calling my name now...G'night